Take Me On Your Mighty Wings Across the Sky

2004-01-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Rain: You are the sound of rain. You have two
important sides. There is your strong, powerful
side and your calm, gentle side. Both are very
important. Rain also reflects a bit of darkness
in your personality. It isn't bad, just shows
that along with the good, you also can see bad,
which can come in handy. (please rate my quiz)

alt="Aphrodite">
Aphrodite/Eros

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

2003-12-29T23:13:00.000-05:00

Your obsessed

You walk around in your boondock p-coat. Your
weapons of choice are some rope, a rambo knife
and an irish accent. Your a good
person.........and your part of the boondock
flock......destroy all that which is deceitful,
so that which is good my flourish.

Are you obsessed with the Boondock saints?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
size="-1">What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-29T11:07:00.000-05:00

the bad hasnt gone away but i still feel the need to write. i dont know if its to clear my head or my thoughts of the negative or to complain and whine in which case the "waaaaa-bulance" may have to be called. have i been stupid, treasuring something i found that realli was never mine to brag about? feeling let down & stuck in a perpetual limbo as a good friend once put it, im stuck. i do whatever i can push myself to do. i always have some limitations and right now i feel like im stuck under a mountain of them. it seems like i always put myself out there with boys, friends, family; yet somehow i always get burned. im not denying that there is some small good left in the world but for the innocent girl who thought that the world was still good and that people were still inherently good, i fall hard into guys and friends and family, and i get hurt. focus on the good? i dont know anymore. i want to stay upbeat and positive and radiant, cuz for a while, yeh thats how i felt. and it was perfect and i was happy and nothing could get me down. i want to know how to get back to that. am i slighting people i shouldnt be? perhaps. and how dare i do that if thats true! but on the other hand, i am getting slighted as well and how dare anyone else? why do we overlook people's feelings sometimes when i we choose to act, or not to act. why do we let people pull at our emotions and our hearts until we're so torn we cant even see straight.

You're Torn by Natalie Imbruglia. You see
that the person you loved screwed you over and
you can't help but think it's your fault. You
sit there and cry and feel depressed. The
remedy for that is to forget about it and move
on. There are better people. Don't dwell on the
past.

yeh thats kinda interesting. cuz i never let go and yeh...

i know i long for love of my own, from a boy, from my family, from my friends. "deep inside your eyes im blinded by your love, still i run so far just to find that im alone again"

--thats poetic, thats pathetic... will it mean that its the end and im alone?--

seeing as i wont be doing anything on new years eve cuz my " lets have rider new years " friends... never got back to me... ill be working tues and wed and sittin on my ass wed nite, doin nothing.

heres to ringin in the new year..... i dont have a resolution yet... perhaps to find that inner strength, that light that was once burning so bright inside of me, and keep it goin forever. hmm.... scratches imaginary beard! " there there huh, there there, its gonna be a happy new year "

i want to be happy and positive. i dont want to dwell. i dont let go of things but i want to be happy and social and watnot. blah blah blah. thats enough for now.

i read joes blog and looking back, i dont know who/what i would reach out to from bga. theres a few. joes def. one of them! hehe. ms opi who i see, jackie lach, christina, mike... i dunno. its early & i just got up. do i rekindle those old flames of friendship... wat do i want anymore? love & friendship & family. heres to a hot hot hot sweat sweet wet wet wet red heat kind of a shower!

2003-12-24T01:02:00.000-05:00

i wanna be with my friends and people who realli love me. i need that more than anything. i need love too. yeh. its on my mind... alot. as for that whole thing i dont know wat to feel or think. im so tired rite now i can barely think to write, so sorry for anyone silly enough to read this. new years eve, yeh we'll see who comes. im so lucky to have the friends i found at school & i want them with me now. hehe. i feel so whiny lately. and not myself here. i dunno anymore. sad feelings and sleepers which kills me every time.... i dunno how good im doin lately.

2003-12-22T21:09:00.000-05:00

kjhsljlfded

2003-12-18T23:45:00.000-05:00

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
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2003-12-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

Deep inside your eyes
I am blinded by your love
Still I run so far just to find that
I'm alone again

--12 stones--

something a lil fun....

Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-07T03:16:00.000-05:00

i did wat i had to do. coulda been better coulda been worse. i was expecting worse tho. dave would be proud of me. sara and steph were. i owe these three people my sanity!

work for finals is ridiculous... and im still buried.

snowmen & snowball fights... theres nothing better!

the last samurai was amazing, absolutely amazing. getting stuck ... wasnt. hungry & freezing... but hey, make the most.

badly timed phone calls... can seriously dampen spirits.

boondock saints was a realli good movie! had a great night. ramen party and all. and i win.

a vague and disheartening IM.... foreshadowing for something bad... realli makes me worry.

it grows closer to christmas break and although im totally excited to see my family and my extended family and my husband and work with my italy gourmet boys... i dont want to leave. my friends here are the best anyone could ever have and i will honest to god practically cry when i leave here for a month and a half. it makes me wanna cry... the things & revelations that could happen over a month and a half ... scares the hell outta me.

"run and tell the angels that everythings alrite..."

2003-12-03T01:28:00.000-05:00

Warm [November] nights
You came and cuddled next to me
Our noses brushed so close
I wished it was our souls
Drifting off to sleep
I could hear the little snores you made
Watching eyes shut tight
Like doors to something sweeter where you rest

Tear me off a piece of blanket
Keep me warm and we can make it
Here's my heart, I'll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can't take it

Light will creep in soon
And I still haven't slept a wink
I wish the sun would hide its head
So I could watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more

I wanna watch you dream some more
I wanna watch you dream some more [boy]
I wanna watch you

-- yellowcard--

2003-11-30T20:32:00.000-05:00

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

my husband and i decided that this was the most romantic, sweetest love song you can get... ive always loved it. its just one of those ::sigh:: love songs.... i love it.

thansgiving was wonderful.... Staten Island is always the same, the same dependable door to my childhood... and i come back with the accent so its awesome. and seeing my family was great. not a single fight, which is rare. i felt like i was rite where i belonged. and seeing my husband again was hysterical...giggles and questions later... plans were made. hehe. it was a great day.

i spoke to my husband a lot over break & dave too. i love dave to death. hes always there for me and always has advice. one of the sweetest hearts ive ever seen, hes a special one! his advice is the right advice and i cant bring myself to do it.... i wish i could.... but im chicken & afraid of wat might happen if i say something to him.

italy gourmet will always hold a special place in my heart...always. sammy gave me a hug the second he saw me, rudy kissed me, gary gave me an apron and put me to work, and juan screamin "CHRISTEENAAA" from the back...made my day. i love these boys in such a special way! sammys doin a lil better, rudy is stressed to the bone but he looks better. they are the most adorable men ! hehe. gotta luv em. it hit me how much i used to luuuuvvv my boss. hehe. handsome guy he is. they changed the store around, totally. so i stole some bocconcini and 1.5 hours later... i left. didnt want to... but had to.

well im back at school and things pick up exactly from where they left off...and its a comfort to know. and i love it. my friends here are amazing. just amazing. no one ever made me laugh and smile the way they do... i thank god for what hes given me here. drama and all. i love it. i wish i could do wat i had to do to take care of the drama cuz its in my hands but i cant.

the next day...

well its decided...i gotta do sumthing. say sumthing. my advice panel says so. i agree. but it scares the bejesus outta me. im scared to death taht ill get hurt. is it certain... yeh prolli. makes my heart beat so fast and i feel scared and sad. sigh. i havent been sleepin well & things feel strange.

out for jess's birthday...that was awesome!! lots of fun, good food, lots of laughs. happy 19 jess!

i have so many friends rite now who are havin some tough times and im worried for them.... my heart is gettin pulled in so many different ways...

"lets make it all for love"

2003-11-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

Denver, the last dinosaur
He's my friend and a whole lot more
Denver, the last dinosaur
Shows me a world I never saw before

Everywhere we go
We don't really care
If people stop and stare
At our pal dino
Creating history thru the rock n' roll spotlight
We've got a friend who helps us, we can do alright

That's Denver, the last dinosaur
He's my friend and a whole lot more
Denver, the last dinosaur
Shows me a world I never saw before.

i havent written in so long, yet there have been countless times where ive sat down, brought up my little blog site, and have been bowled over with a whirlwind of emotions and memories, leaving me unable to write a word. well im gonna try now and as ive warned a dear friend, i may come across as having ADD, or just plain ol' schizophrenia.

the last time i left this place, i wasnt doing very good. i was somewhere where i got hurt, over and over, by someone who didnt care. but then, from MAACness on, things started to turn around. i had so much fun planning for maacness and setting up. the future group kicked some serious ass, even if it took us a lot longer. larry and i, we had everything under control. we had such a blast setting up. i walked outta maacness with ... a bronc in a white john travolta suit teeshirt, a lost boys poster ( which is now hangin up in my room ) and a new friend, brian. we watched lost boys that nite, in steves room. steve stole a cop. poor guy, never saw it coming. so days later, and even more movies in between... and my B3rd girls who got my back, throw in a new friend, mike... and ive got a great group of friends. the best, even better than wat i could ever ask for. im still being fucked with by someone who i dont even want to have in my life anymore. and he is now involving sara too. but we're not gonna freak out thats wat they want. and ive got people in my corner like no joke. so thanks to everyone who has offered to verbally/emotionally/grammatically/ecumenically/physically bash that motherfucker. hehe. it feels so good to have people on your side who realli care about you. i have been having so much fun since maacness. granted ive been working like a motherfucker but my grades have been kicking ass and ive been happy. realli. not perfectly because there is enough drama here to choke someone, but ive been good. i dont like that someone is messin with me the way he is... especially since our history, ... but o well. shit happens. he just better back down soon. fuck it. so wat else....

haunted state penitentiary... that was the eeriest thing from the outside then rather fake but fun as fuck on the inside. i had an amazing time. hehe im one tough little cookie but brian still may have claw marks in his arms from me grabbin him. sorry bud! this was a bam-no-show. o well. it was so much fun.

dinner at toms house, puppies and realli good pizza, lots of laughs. and countless movies, and pirates of the caribbean...johnny depp orlando bloom and amazing company. wat more can a girl ask for. umm, politics midterm...survived with a B+ baby! kickin ass in my classes and havin fun.

steph is the most amazing person in world not onli for wat im gonna write next but just because shes her...but lemme just say... when a friend finds out that bam margera, your god and idol, is going to be in your hometown in less than an hour and she drops everything to take you there... thats someone who realli cares, and kicks ass. i met bam margera in parlin october 28th! i was squealing and squeaking and screaming and yeh. omigod hes more adorable in person. like ooooo! he...talked to me, breathed on me, hugged me, took a pic with me and signed my poster and dvd. i could barely breathe for the rest of the nite. his eyes are killer!! hes soo freakin hot and talented and a skater and just yeeehhhh. hehe. for fucks sake...we met bam margera! woo woo!!

umm i realli have no sense of time which im told is a good thing when reflecting because all the good things have blurred over the bad and swirled around your head so much that you cant keep things straight. i can go for that. so i no sense of time...

family day and finding nemo and good non-dalys food and ruby tuesdays... and having brand new people get terrified with diana. it was a good day. more shit today with the asshole from A3rd. my dad wanted to "talk" to him, which basically meant let me run him over with my car, castrate him, and feed him to the pygmy geese down at disease lake. yeh. but i said no. it was gorgeous outside today. the flips were kickin.

texas chainsaw massacre... i was the onli girl who liked it. everyone else was like lets leave lets get outta here its gross its digusting its gory... haha. i loved it. granted it made me jump into brians arms but thats great! way to go scary as all hell movie! it was a great flick. i wanna watch the original. we had a good time.

o shit i forgot. we took diana to the hospital... yeh. her true friends did anyway. we were there until... 1215 or sumthing like that. so much pain and wat was it... dun dun dun .... tendonitis. i wanted to smack her. i laugh now. haha.

ive got a pretti sweet but difficult guy situation goin on now and i wont get into details here. haha. ive got amazing guys in my life rite now. the best. here at home and even at rowan and ramapo. hehe. theres just some serious chaos goin on in my <3 department, but no one is hurting me on purpose so im good.

"carpe diem, seize the day, make your lives extraordinary!" thats how i feel right now. i have stress and drama, more than i want, but my spirit is soo high. hehe. ive been laughing so much and ive felt like people have realli cared about me lately.

"run and tell the angels that everythings alrite."

2003-10-23T03:43:00.000-04:00

ive got a million things to say and i dont want to sit here rehash everything, cuz im feelin pretty good rite now. and i also dont want to check my comments just to see my sad little previous paragraph...so....

i love my rider crew to death. you guys rock my socks!

2003-10-12T19:23:00.000-04:00

What a whirlwind it has been here. I've gone thru rises and falls, highs and lows. and chaos and craziness thru out. The tears that have been shed are impossible to count. Homesickness and worries about papers and tests and teachers and school and not havin enough time to breathe. and tears from friends and roomie's and kids who left and especially boys. There have been smiles and laughs and hugs and kisses to fill in the gaps. but still, rite now my heart is a bit broken. boys are stupid. yeh. he's got something good staring him straight in the face and nope, does and doesnt want me. and the more im with him the more i like him. im stupid.

whirlwind... yeh.

2003-10-09T08:46:00.000-04:00

i like him more than i want to admit. i really do. every second that im with him i like him more and its killing me.

2003-09-23T23:49:00.000-04:00

Am i better?
Am i pretending?
Do i just ignore?
i dont know.
classes -- good.
social -- pretty good dude.
boys -- suprisingly well.
work -- devastating.
being alone -- killing me.
being away -- killing me.
i dont know what to say anymore.
cant call anyone. it hurts too bad.
no one here to talk to seriously.
i feel lost.
does anyone love me? talk to me!

im holding on as much as i can. i dont know who i am anymore. i dont like being sad.

2003-09-22T23:57:00.000-04:00

schizotypal

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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2003-09-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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Pirates of the Caribbean!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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2003-09-14T08:14:00.000-04:00

"im thwarted my a metaphysic puzzle..."

i love the classes here. they are perfect. even its theres a lot of work.

i love the new friends i fell in with. they are beyond funny and sweet. not to mention that the guys are fun to watch sing dance and strip.

so these things i love about being here.

the first one i have no matter wat my decision.
the second may be compromised by commuting or going home on weekends.

but i want to be home. the solitude i feel here during the week and any five minute period that im alone makes me upset, sad, panicky, and shaky. Not happy.

so what do i do?

i want to be home. i want to come home after my classes end. but then, i want the social life with the new friends that ive found. i cant have both. it doesnt and wont work out. so now what? i cant figure it out!

therefore...
i am going home today, talking with Mr. Myagi, coming back later on today, seeing how that feels ( to kinda spend the weekend at home, which ill be doing again next weekend ) then spending the whole week here again, sleeping and all, and finally i will spend the next week commuting. i have to know all my options and how ill feel with all of them. i feel like no solution will be enough to give me what i want.

im unhappy here and yet i want to be here for my new friends. im so confused that it makes me feel more lost than ever. im different on the weekend than during the week. ive onli hung out with them on the weekends. well, friday and sat. but still...i gotta know how ill feel durign the week.

i owe my parents my life rite now. they are so supportive and loving and caring and are really slighting my sister to help me. they are being totally open to options and have tried to keep me as happy/upbeat/not crying as much as they can. thank you god for them.

so if anyone has opinions, suggestions, critiques, viewpoints...id love to hear them. i need all the guidance i can get.

2003-09-13T00:42:00.000-04:00

mobile fuck box
if you get me wet, i'll reproduce.

2003-09-11T16:11:00.000-04:00

im considering on commuting from now on. i want to. sumthing here is making me unhappy and i cant shake it and i cant change how i feel. is 10 days enough time? i dont know. but im certifiably miserable. i want to commute. i dont see me feeling any better any time soon and its been 10 days of tears and agony. i cant hold on much longer. i want home.

my parents want me to stay and talking to them on the phone is soo heartbreaking because we fight. we're mean and nasty and never listen. m2 is the onli one who seems to understand me. or wants to at least accept that wat i feel is real and not some fleeting feeling. i cant even talk to my mom the same way anymore. we were so close before and ive never felt more distant.

i want them to believe in me. and my feelings. and my decision. they dont. my spirit is so low here and i worked my ass off to be a better me. shes my best friend and we cant talk...that sucks. yeh.

im unhappy and theres no solution in sight.

kristen

2003-09-07T10:27:00.000-04:00

The College Kids

Im a ca-moo-ter.
Bugs.
Make the roadrunner sound! Meep Meep.
Cows dont say moo...they say...
Bouncer's at my door.
I close my foot in the fridge.
I fell off the bed.
I stubbed my toe.
Creation, Vacation, Mucho Masturbation.
Is there an echo on the this phone?
Not a heckle, an echo!
Jackass & Bam.
Boy talk.
For fuck's sake.
Ice Cubes in the freezer.
Work em on your knee!
Larger than life.
Get some two-sided-tape.

2003-09-03T09:47:00.000-04:00

Do to a general feeling of unhappiness ( im fuckin' miserable )
:o(
...
a tribute --->

[After disturbing a golf game with an air horn]
Angry Golfer: Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?
Johnny Knoxville: But...I'm sorry. I got bursitis.
Angry Golfer: You got bursitis.
Johnny Knoxville: Yeah.
Angry Golfer: So that means you gotta play with a horn?
Johnny Knoxville: It helps.
Angry Golfer: I'll give you something to play with, pal!

Ryan Dunn: I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake...IT'S CACTI!

Bam Margera: Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?

Johnny Knoxville: Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.

Johnny Knoxville: I think I'm a little concussed.

2003-09-02T15:25:00.000-04:00

im fuckin' miserable.

2003-08-31T15:35:00.000-04:00

"for fuck's sake, its cacti."

move in day tomorrow. im terrified. tearfully terrified.

2003-08-10T00:40:00.000-04:00

When it's love you give
(I'll be a man of good faith.
then in love you live.
I'll make a stand. I won't break.
I'll be the rock you can build on,
be there when you're old,
to have and to hold.
When there's love inside
I swear I'll always be strong.
then there's a reason why.
I'll prove to you we belong.
I'll be the wal that protects you
from the wind and the rain,
from the hurt and pain.

Let's make it all for one and all for love.
Let the one you hold be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for onee it's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show
and make it all for one and all for love.

When it's love you make
I'll be the fire in your night.
then it's love you take.
I will defend, I will fight.
I'll be there when you need me.
When honor's at stake,
this vow I will make:

that it's all for one and all for love.
Let the one be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for one it's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show
and make it all for one and all for love.

Don't lay our love to rest
'cause we could stand up to you test.
We got everything and more than we had planned,
more than the rivers that run the land.
We've got it all in our hands.

Now it's all for one and all for love.
It's all for love.
Let the one you hold be the one you want,
the one you need,
'cause when it's all for one it's one for all.
It's one for all.
When there's someone that should know
then just let your feelings show.
When there's someone that you want,
when there's someone that you need
let's make it all, all for one and all for love.

--bryan adams, All for Love4--

ive been watching all kinds of movies lately. basically my favourites list. comedy action drama 80s soundtracks hehe. good times. i feel the need to write but im overcome with laziness. ill try.

these past few weeks have been so wonderful. great guys at work, a great SR guy, hanging out with friends, or at least trying to. hanging out with matt. he makes me smile all the time. even going to a youth group thing, tony melendez and steve angrisano. tim sayin he'll call. staten island and peter. being more socially outgoing. hangin out with the opi and tina. helen and matt always being there. people getting involved in drugs and drinking. i havent seen bre or jack in such a long time. theres so much to worry about but im not gonna focus on it. ive been so happy.

love and friendship is all i will ever need. the onli thing i dont have is the first one. ill just stay in with my music movies books friends and my own insanity. :o)

"rich im getting swimmer's ear"

2003-07-14T22:54:00.000-04:00

"Oompa Loompa doombadeedo I've got another puzzle for you
OOmpa Loompa doombadadee if you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat
What do you think will come of that
dum dum dum

I dont like the look of it
Oompa Loompa "

well i am just in such a great wonderful splendid superb euphoric mood. i can barely concentrate enough to write this and i really dont want to write anything at all but i feel soo great! my days at work make me feel great. today was the best day ever.

yeh that was posted yet not published a few days ago...right now i feel really over rudy. the smoking was gross. and his attitude is getting worse. he was actually mean today, and mean to me in particular. to the point where sammy had to say sumthing. i always feel better when hes around, sammy. rudy was a nasty old jackoff today but sammy always makes me feel better. im lucky to have him there whenever i dont feel good enough at work. hes my favourite. im over rudy. thank god. so to add to the epiphany, he accidently paid me an extra $20. poor little smoking italian with no concern for anyone but himself.

ive been doing real good lately but rite at this moment i feel awkward. worried about school. im glad that im at least doing my reading for fun. hamlet henry V fight club chocolat its good stuff. but i feel weird, nervous, on the brink of some tears. like i need a hug.

i just need a hug. :o)

rider overnite tom. im not excited. its like a PL retreat. o well. i still have to pack, dont want to. i still have to do my survey, dont want to. i feel weird.

i just want love. i think.

"am i the only one alive who was not in the conga line?!"

2003-07-13T15:27:00.000-04:00

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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2003-07-10T00:10:00.000-04:00

"& ive never been to boston in the fall"

well im wired, overtired, trying to watch Fight Club. so heres some cliff notes of Me...for the last week anyway.

work
dancing to time of my life
getting a cute compliment from a person where it counts
christina's bday shindig at my house
baseball game/played a great game
helens innocent "whats the point of a punt" questions
work on wed.
he made me smile
getting ready for the boat
running errands
started Hamlet
finished Hamlet
bought Henry V
seeing the guys at IG one more time
compliment :o)
driving the boat for the first time all season
tubing 2x
ryans bday which equals a drunken 25 year old sleepin it off on Summer Love
sunsets and pictures
music all over the place
laurens bday
boardwalk
matt and i missing calls
talking for an hour
i wore a bikini
looked at myself in the mirror and didnt die from terror and disgust
laughs and smiles
making invites even if people couldnt make it
wanting to go out
wanting a movie romance
wanting love
day trip to the boat
tubing
entertaining laurens friend frank
metallica
camillos for dinner
mall with lauren
candy
fight club
woohoo talking to mike
sharing some candy with him
great convo
lots of smiles
i had a great week and i keep smiling.

gnight sweet void.

2003-06-23T00:08:00.000-04:00

Long Way Down

Oh here you are there's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out
Did they throw you away

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
Almost human but I'll never be the same

Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own

Never put you down I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want there's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel
Is it pain that makes you real
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down I don't think I'll make it on my own

singing that in a castle at a grad party in tinton falls with a boy ive onli met once before...was fun.

well, i havent blogged since before grad altho ive signed in & made that much of an attempt i burned out. "so here i am" as for my graduation from highschool, no mascara was worn for fear of tears but none were shed. i left with fewer and farther friendships than i entered with, but they are better. milestone my ass. i just feel free. speeches were good, songs, dec. everything mainly a blur. fake plastic smiles in pictures. no biggie. just a blur.

since then, mainly just working. theres still the love interest but as for the actual work theres more and more free time everyday and as a fidget i get quite uneasy and make up things to do. my brain is monopolized with my own thoughts on everything for there is not much else to do most times. but when sammy and rudy chill with me and everything, its great. so my heart skips a beat every once in a while and sometimes hes a brat. but its a great job with great people.

ive been at the mall for many purposes since grad. never a mallrat but ... making my own money and tons of it im compelled to spend. :O) . i met a really fun guy there. mike, of course. last year of college. but transferring. he wants to take me out to lunch during his break next time im there. am i courageous enough to follow thru?!? probably not. but i have mustered enough courage on mutiple occasions to directly walk up and start some good convos with the boy. that...im proud of myself for. but i still need work.

my grad party came and gone. stricken with the SARS cough since then i wasnt feeling well and red icing can stain skin so... i was a mess. hehe. but good times good times and two very good very thought out gifts. frames and balls french stuff and salami. cant be beat son! thank you to the few of you who made me feel so special. helen opi came back to scarlet drive afterwards. fuzzy navels and a 5 year old playing darts. crazy stuff. melanaski madness.

as for other grad parties, one more left and two down. jackies was fun. but nothing surpasses the tinton falls masque hehe held for ms. breanne pszczola ( pronounced pah'zola ) for the "non-bre-worshippers." 3/4 of the people ignore me and treat me like the outsider that they keep meeting. they suck. totally closeminded. and most of the guys shes friends with are flamin' gay. yes i agree with you, scruffy dog. i didnt recognize thomas when i saw him. stupid me. im a funny duck, me.

THE BEAN BAG CHAIR IS MINE

so i talked "chillingly" with nate and corey and noah and grant. however, grant had short term memory loss and didnt remember everytime we met. which is more than ok because i didnt remember rite away either. aint no big thang. o boy. well my highlight of the night was when bre and i grabbed our own table, spazzed it out. bre got up and then jason came over. yup he was my highlite. UPENN second year cutie. he was soo sweet. a little oddball like me and really funny. he made me laugh and smile, alot. somehow thru out the whole thing we never swapped names and after we did he stated that he would rather just call me That Girl. whatever tickles ur pickle buddy. :o). so i was really flirty and he was too. after spending most of the night with not many people to talk to im glad i found him to talk to. for a while i was a year older than him, i dont see how. but he complimented me on my dress and my sense of humor. good times for me. so, That Girl got a snapple bottle filled with rose petals as a gift. needless to say that experience gave me many smiles.

i have definitively noticed that i get along with guys so much better with girls. hmm. i also proudly noticed that altho i get into my little ruts ( however less frequent ) i have felt a lot better about myself lately. feeling funnier and cuter and just more confident to talk to other people it feels soo great. it feels soo soo great. im not totally ok with myself but im doing some big stuff to work on that. im gettin really tired tho and i cant really talk as passionately about anything anymore so....

rudy, jason, mike... and nothing will come from any of it which hurts and sucks i dunno. stepping stones or sumthing. im tired. cant muster enough brain cells for a closing so...

Run & tell the angels that everythings alrite.

ill just leave you with this question..."Why would you need to guard a dead man stuck in a two foot refrigerator?!"

2003-06-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

whelp...no mom its still hasnt hit me that im graduating and will be going to college so soon. yeh when it does ill get nervous and worry, like always but rite now...focusing on the good stuff. yup!

the florida trip...rocky start for me, but shook it off and had a blast and a half. i dunno if that sounds corny or just stupid. but i had a kick ass time. got a little tan, kinda a little bit. nose got a lil crispy but all things were good times. got closer to some dec. peoples, got farther away thank god to some, and met and got closer to some rockin' peoples. it was awesome. bubble wrap, capybara, fireworks and bridge convos, cheezits and packing, space mountain, JP, sun, etc. fantastic, two thumbs up wonderful times.

we got our yearbooks and ive got a bunch of signatures. hehe they made me smile!! and the peoples, most of em, made me smile. walruses.

then yesterday was totally fun as hell. yeh some grad/mass practice that practiced and helped us zero. but then bus ride to the cruise, CP, in the florida bus style. the cruise was wild. minus the fog and weather ... amazing. then driving back to my house with a nardone. got changed and went back up to menlo mall, parking in a spot at a ninety degree angle to the lines. but was feelin too much giggles and sugar to wanna fix it. my car smells like tinas body butter from the body shop. haha. then we smuggled in some movie goodies, played some air hockey, and me christina addy and jackie went to see finding nemo. dory. its all about dory. lol. then my 5.25 stitch teeshirt. wonderfully fun times. i needed it.

mass today was basically painless and quick. the people who i like i talked to. the ones i wanted to avoid i did. good times. figured out which parties i was gonna be able to go to. set up my schedule for the month of june for work. i miss him!! i havent been to work since two days after prom. i miss it and him, a lot. hehe. dork. yup.

the melanaskis went out to camillos for dinner. delicious!! the waiters too. hehe. chamber of secrets was such a cute movie. def. a great movie. loved it. so now im bloggin, sleepin, pickin up mary jacob ( has a chicken ) and grad practice. it was a gorgeous day today and i hope it lasts. grad sat. then some parties, mine, and back to work. hehe.

seein' everyone with bf/gfs doesnt make me jealous or angry. im happy for anyone who can find love. but i wish i could too. sigh. i want someone to love me too! o well...we'll see what summer brings.

its been a great coupla days. smilin' and feelin' basically cute. doesnt happen often. hehe.

things have been dec. yeh.

2003-05-26T16:08:00.000-04:00

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments So Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons Of Love
Seasons Of Love

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man?

In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Tho' The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Measure In Love

Measure, Measure Your Life In Love

Seasons Of Love...
Seasons Of Love

Seasons of Love - RENT

what a year. i cant really reflect now, got tons of stuff to do but ive had quite the rollercoaster of a year, and i am absolutely soo grateful for every moment!

whelp, lets see, prom was a total blast. i had a great time. sure, some speech impediment and dance lessons coulda cleared sum stuff up but it was great! neel darleen ann and chris really were so sweet, makin me feel so welcome. they said how glad they were that i ended up going. it was soo nice and it made me feel really good. everyone looked gorgeous and everyone had a great time. 2 thumbs up!!

now im supposed to be packin for florida. im basically done. kinda sorta not. o well. im set for some serious R&R in sunny florida!! woowoo! hmm, got my first bikini haha...god knows if ill actually wear it.... self conscious little ol' me!

i love my job. they guys are great. dad and pop ( 60 year old greaser ) two mexicans who onli know perverted words in english, ronnie, 16 year old former fat kid sex fiend,syracuse sammy, gary, and rudy!! im soo crushin' on him. being in that store has given me money, non stop laughs, confidence ( who'da thunk it ), great times and a crush. i really could write forever about that subject, yup i could. but i wont. its like im in 8th grade and everytime he touches me my heart skips a beat. haha. the corniness is skyhigh. im a dork and i love it. he makes me feel cute. and special. theres onli a four year difference. i almost dont wanna go to florida cuz that means 5 days with no italy gourmet. ive been hit by cupid's arrow big time!!

<<<333 <<<333

2003-05-18T17:32:00.000-04:00

"it cant rain all the time"

almost afraid to say it but... things are looking up...kinda. :o) prom dress which makes me look not fat and almost cute...and a 1/2 date a limo group still working on an afterprom plan but im not worried at all. no more school after wed. just two exams and an english quiz and thats it. the florida trip with some really fun kids. and my absolute new favourite thing.... ive got a job! and not just a job but a job where i get paid under the table, not just under the table, but its an italian deli, where the food is delicious and im constantly getting fed! and not just the food, but i love the people. staten island italians rock and one person in particular ::blushes:: i dont like going home anymore. i looooooove my job and i looooooooove going to work! needless to say im totally crushing and it is honestly soo great! ive been feeling alot better. italy gourmet is the best! theres that college thing and placement tests and shit but i dont care. viva italia!

2003-05-01T22:03:00.000-04:00

well i poured my heart out into a really really nice little post and i click post and publish, view page and bam its gone ... kaput! just not cool. it just adds to everything i wrote about.... want some cliff notes?

gorgeous day
hilarious art class
touch of the elbow
regret for not writing to danny
wont send him a pic tho...self esteem, shot 2 shit.
no friends, no love, no life.
donnas pl journal.
im invisible.
live my life by myself.
i miss my poppi
i miss my smile.
stagnant and stuck
accepting of the standstill im in.
havent left my house.
music movies nothing fills the void.
i know there has to be a change to make things better, at least different. but if it has to come from me i pray to go that i have the strength to figure it out and follow thru. i want to be happy and i want other people to want 2 be with me. i dont get it.
i almost used 2 be cute
not pretty but cute
my self esteem was goin up
ive bottomed out

"say hello to the night, lost in the shadows, say hello to the night, lost in the the lonliness."

2003-04-23T18:35:00.000-04:00

hes gone

2003-04-20T23:32:00.000-04:00

he's dying. he doesnt even look or sound like him anymore. my poppi. hes soo brilliant and amazing. and he is just suffering now. its soo terrible. my dad is soo broken up about it. i spent the whole day huggin steve. he cried with me. ive never lost anyone that close to me but the prospect of this is heartbreaking. my poor dad. sigh. :o(

easter at grandmas. 21 people. really good food. really loud kids. stress and weirdness. sadness.

tears. worry. about everything. term paper. job interview. everything worries me. i havent left the house and hung out with everyone since Dreamcatcher. i feel better about myself but i cant bring myself to get back into being with people. i feel stuck. im afraid. what happens when we lose poppi? what will happen to me with my life? if you can call wat i have a life....everything scares me.

i have to write to danny again. hehe. he wants me to send a pic. that could be disastrous. how marty from grease of me. i have a boy in the service. haha.

i feel so uneasy. so uncertain. so alone and so afraid. i need help. i need something. i need someone!

"go the distance" "if you build it, he will come" "ease his pain"

2003-03-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

so much has been going on lately. and nothing has been going on. but i havent had the heart to write. im still not sure if i do. ive been so consumed by my thoughts and feelings that i cant concentrate on much else. school, homework, online stuff, college... nothing holds a bearing. thats prolli not a good way of looking at things. i feel like my life is one big heavy sigh. its getting harder and harder for me to put into words my thoughts and emotions. i feel like im losing myself at times. even the parts of my personality i like, i feel like they are slipping away and dark shadows of discontent and a hateful self-image fill the void.

my poppi was rushed to the hospital tuesday and hes still there. his body is tired. he tells the best stories and im afraid that we're gonna lose him soon. he's got the brightest eyes and the best spirit! hes so special. "say it like shut the door, je t'adore."

one wish? to be happy. like machovics story. to be needed by someone. to have ur smile be the cause of someone elses. to have someone love you. because i can feel so much love in my heart but i cant share it with anyone. no friends, no boys. im afraid my attitude is becoming cynical and negative. i try to stay positive. its hard. sometimes it actually hurts to smile. am i waiting for a fairytale? im just waiting for a life. waiting for love. like sue's old blog was entitled ( i dont know the background to it ).... im just waiting for wings!

2003-03-15T13:02:00.000-05:00

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Chorus]
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

[Repeat Chorus]

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

[Repeat Chorus]

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

2003-03-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

they want to send me to talk to someone. doesnt work. they want me to go to a guidance counselor. they want me to talk to them. they want to know whats wrong. whats eating away at me. why i dont go out anymore. why im always home. why im always in my room. i dont know what to say to them. ive told them of how ive been burned. ive told them more this year than theyve ever known about me. they know how ive been hurt. and they act like im so invincible i can just shake it off. well i cant. im strong enough, but i cant handle this sometimes. they wanna know why my life consists of going to school and nothing more. they think i hate everyone. they think that all i tell them is that people, all people i know, suck. i dont hate anyone at all. i dont, not single a person. they said i look like shit. well i guess they mean more like shit than before. they said i look like death. they said im all hunched over and that i dont take care of myself. they say i tell them nothing. that i dont give a shit about anyone, anything, or myself. i said that i have to deal with everything im going thru,and the fact that im sure about everything im going thru, they badgering me to chat and talk and tell them how i feel doesnt help. it makes things worse. because im unsure, another reason they think i need help. im terrified about my life. yeh i am. and i know things need to change. but i need things to get taken care of in my head, first. i have to be ok with all the basic stuff about me and my life. they dont understand. and before anyone else likes me and i start hanging out with people again, i have to like and believe in myself. and its really been hard to do that lately. the best friends ive ever had, are gone. for good. everyone else has a guy now. and im the onli one. an odd man out to the core. leaving me with no guys no group. no prom. i cant even find a single person to just hang out with. seriously. nobody. they want me to go out but i dont have anywhere to go. no one to share anything with. i tell them wats goin on generally in my life. and even more. but i dont have anyone to call when i need them or when i just need to be with someone. i read this Libra thing, saying that as i libra my main passion is friendship and that i need to have people around. if not, im depressed. sometimes, a lot recently. they asked me that i always look like im gonna cry that i always look sad. they asked me when was the last time i smiled. i couldnt even answer them. not at all. i need to makeover myself. not my appearance, cuz thats just retched. but i need to like makeover my soul. i need people in my life who care about me. i feel lost. i dunno. im not sure about anything anymore. nothing at all. i need something. i wish i had someone to talk to . someone i could confide in. i feel soo lost. like the whirlwinds of dante. i feel hurt and alone and i walk thru school feelin like no one cares. i know they dont. i dont want them to talk to me about this anymore! i need something. i gotta take care of myself now. that i now. that comes first. hehe. one day ill be alrite. yup. everyone has someone in their life. why cant i? i still believe that itll all work out but this is going on for a long time. im a pretty decent girl if someone actually took the risk and got to know me.

"it cant rain all the time"

2003-03-01T21:25:00.000-05:00

"Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."

im sick today. "ive gone and caught a sniffle." as indiana would say. hehe. yeh well im not feeling too good, physically. but im doin better than this morning. i took a million baths and slept alot and drove my dads car around the block and went to the mall to get Road to Perdition which was on sale and i also picked up The Crow. the dude behind the counter was soo talkative and was heavily medicated. hmm, i prolli shouldnt have driven. lol. but he was realli cute and i managed to look humanly cute. hehe. i talked to him for like twenty minutes. we talked about movies and our favourites and the crow and wat days he works ( i will now stop in every saturday ) and music and stuff. obligatory left lobe earring. lol. forgot him name tho.. no tag. it was exciting!!!! i walked out all smilee and stupid. lol.

either tho im sick this is the best ive felt in a while. ive had too many things that say " do not operate heavy machinery " hehe. im realli hyper and hungry. Whoa, linkin park's one step closer. " im about to break " hot damn! i was reviving the good ol' LP in the car before. my own live cd tho. its still good. wat ive sampled from meteora, all techno-y and watnot. i wasnt impressed. we'll see. but yeh i feel ... alrite. i feel like my heart and/or my head is being pulled in soo many different directions. totally alone ... my thoughts never turn off. i feel the need to write wat i feel but in actuality, i dont know wat im feeling. i dont want to be a part of some people. friends as of cotillion, i dont want to be around. they arent real friends if they leave when " better " friends come along. thats not real friendship and itll bite them in the ass oneday. maybe ill be around to see it. and for someone else, take the wrapping paper down. it means nothing. so wrapped up in yourself that im not even a glint in your eye and if thats how it is, then fine. but one thing i dont want is your godforsaken attitude. i have a shitty one of my own and i dont need some nasty ass selfish attitude.

im so afraid that all this stuff has turned my attitude to that of a cynical scornful and defensive person. im really trying not to be. the more i feel hurt the more the attitude turns shitty the more i get hurt. vicious circle much?! im really babbling but i dont have anyone else to talk to. momma donna says that theres gotta be someone out there. haha. of course i gave the nod and the ' o i know ' bit. but i doubt it. i feel so pathetic. hehe. im just tired of everything!!!!!! cant i just start all over or sumthing.

went to the wake .... ive never had to say goodbye like that to someone so close. sigh. aunt tessie, we love you!

my hairs all crazy...thursday it was cute!! mike gave me a compliment. my first in a while. thanks hun. paul said hes gonna visit me sometime soon. he better!! he's a million miles away.

holy shit. evanesense commercial featuring.... 12 stones!! wooo wooo. save me from the nothing ive become...wake me up inside.

2003-02-24T22:48:00.000-05:00

"Speculum"

There's so many people dying
You complain about your situation
What about me?
Half the world wouldn't know
What it's like to lose your seed
Maybe you can understand

(How I feel)
I cannot reach that soul
You're probably watching over us
Know that I think of you
It's killing me

The guilt has lasted years, still cry
It was all planned out
Why was I last to know?
Don't you trust in me?
The table's cold, it's too late
To make up for these mistakes
Maybe you can't understand

(How I feel)
I cannot reach that soul
You're probably watching over us
Know that I think of you
It's killing me
(How I feel)
If I would have known
I can't say what I would have done
If you could forgive
I'd like to rest with you someday

(How I feel)
I cannot reach that soul
You're probably watching over us
Know that I think of you
It's killing me
(How I feel)
If I would have known
I can't say what I would have done
If you could forgive
I'd like to rest with you someday

--adema--

this is just about talking about pain. someone called this hell week. yeh it is. ive decided that no date, i cant handle going on my own, so even tho i really want to go, im not goin to the prom. my rent cd has a scratch in it the size of the san andreas. so major boo for my lack of rent ness. as a rent head, with bre, im going into withdrawal. i may start singing on my own and that could lead to apocalypse. hehe. then school... everything i could be involved in, everyone else has slacked off and pulled out and im left alone with the responsibility that shouldnt onli be mine. it pisses me off. grr. hah, then the math test for tom. sochor. enough said. so i finish studying and stuff and i go downstair to get my mom to sign something and my dad is doubled over. mom told us that my dads godmother, and our great aunt had passed away a half an hour before. my dad suffers silently. as always. i dont wanna dwell here, so just know that there are tears, ya know... :o( i wonder if anything else can be added onto the pile of shit that i feel so overwhelmed by ?! i feel so terrible. so left alone. im in need of some serious hugs but theyarent coming. sigh. on march fourth, the ring comes out on DVD. oo... tres spookiness.

Rangrz99: quote of the month.....when people stop loving power and learn the power of love the world will know peace~jimi hendrix --> this is an idiot tryin to impress someone. haha. imagine this little weirdo being profound... i know, it hurts.

i may have some plans for the weekend, which im excited about, but im sure itll fall thru. it not, yay for me.

im soo afraid that because of what i feel has been happening to me, that myoutlook has been killed. i dont look at things the same way. i used to be unwaveringly optimistic, sarcastic, but optimistic. now i feel so negative and cynical, " not cynic, realist." i dont like how i feel or sound or how i feel things. o my. things have gotta change!! " and onli in their dreams can men truly be free " i need to change. maybe thats how i can be happy. my dreams? hmm.. how .... woo. how can i be happy. even in wickes class, some fool-osophor said that happiness is the ultimate goal of human life. well.....damnit thats all i want. hehe.

" if you reach deep inside youll see my heart is true "
" in the midst of darkness, lord, my spirit calls 4 you "

2003-02-22T22:34:00.000-05:00

Linkin Park
My December

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

it really hadnt been bothering me lately. maybe i had been making excuses. i dunno. its realli disheartening. because i thought i beat this and everything. i thought me feeling like this way over. i really feel alone again. and its not in my head or sumthing. everyone who i was friends with, ditched me. and i dealt with that. but it left me feeling alone. now everyone else that i had in my life has someone. they have their own friends or boyfriends or watever and i feel like im left behind. im soo happy for anyone who can find happiness. its just... im having a really hard time doing that myself. i feel so alone. im realli happy for jackie and everything too. its soo working out, so adorably ( does that word work there ? ) its realli great for her. the date, the dress, and everything. its realli working out for her. im so excited to see when hes gonna ask. i love you girl. but that leaves me even more alone. im the only one left without a boyfriend. without a prom date. no one wants to be around me. no one wants to go to the dance with me. really early on, i stupidly asked one person, which i regret. arrogant SOB, but watever about him. i asked someone else who i really wanted to go with, but he was going with someone else already. i dont mind that. its just that now there is no one for me to go with and altho i really dont want to miss this prom, at all, im excited about it, more than last year, i dont want to go stag when Everyone else has a date. the first dance i actually want to go to ... and i cant get someone to go with me! that... sucks. yeh.

i feel like i have no one left in my life. i cant find one person who wants to be my friend. this song i posted is the saddest song i know. but its how i feel. i would give anything to find some friends, some people who could see me for who i really am and want to be with me. " jus to have someone to come home to " ya know what... i realli believe that im not that bad. i can actually look pretty sometimes. im funny. im an amazing friend, if anyone would actually give me the chance. but when i get to feeling like this, which i have been for a while, the little self esteem i had... is gone. i cant believe in myself, i cant even look at myself in the mirror without getting all sad and upset. why cant i be happy?

i really want to go to the dance...:o(
i really want to have people want to be with...:o(
i really want to be happy again....:o(

p.s. im not psycho or anything, i just wanna smile again. hehe. things will all work out one day. i realli will never lose hope or anything. my spirits are surprisingly strong. things will work out, they do for everyone. i just hope something, anything good, happens for the prom, before its too late to do anything about it. i realli want to go. i realli want to be a part of something amazing.

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need

i wanna go to this damn dance!

i hate talking like this because i dont always feel like it. but i need to vent. its not like it makes me feel better. but it helps to put it into words. and i know that the computer doesnt act as a friend but its all i have to " talk " to. i can call on it no matter what, and itll listen. hehe, like it has a choice. it helps to just type into this little blog how i feel. for rite now, its all i have. im not as pathetic as i sound. and ya know what, im a realli amazing friend and a kick ass person... please give me a chance.

2003-02-21T22:55:00.000-05:00

SEETHER LYRICS

"Fade Away"

I wanna be there when you call
I wanna catch you when you fall
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

I wanna be there when you cry
And when you’re down I’ll help you fly
I wanna be the one you need
I wanna be the one you breathe

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh

But I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have
And I’m coming back,
and I’m taking back everything I can
It’s breaking me up and tearing me up
It’s all I have

Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll find our way grown
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away, oh
Today’s the day we’ll fade away

in searching for old caravans' songs, i stumbled upon some seether lyrics. i never even heard this song but i really like the lyrics. its like .. my advertisement for future friends that may one day come my way. hehe. "And when you’re down I’ll help you fly" yup. thatd be me. this two day week was physically painful to sit thru. i couldnt get sentences out in PL, got temporary tourettes in physics, yelling Fuck really loud. ::blush:: for that graceful move. wee.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 2 JACKIE ( 4 tomorrow ) happy 18 kid. you're my girl and i luv ya.

ive been on such the movie rampage lately. i love these movies soo much and i quote them like crazy. but i love them so much. from the action to the kids comedy to the touching drama that makes me cry!! sometimes i worry that i live too much in my movies and not in my life. hmm. ::scratches beard:: i used to claim that were onli a few movies that get me misty eyed. hah. for me, anything can be a tearjerker now. me...? sensitive...? nah. no one woulda thunk it! but i am. i really am. the smallest things set me off for tears or nasty words or smiles. have i changed?!

--> jurassic I II III, die hard, YIPPEE KAY YAY MOTHERFUCKER ( ray ray ) die hard with a vengeance, dead poets society, TMNT I & II, field of dreams, good will hunting, the client, lord of the rings, good morning, vietnam, weekend at bernies I and II, wise guys, the abyss<--

movie of the moment--fifth element ( got a thing for bruce willis )

im over that whole "ex-friends" thing. they can do whatever they want. sometimes i may feel weird about it or around them but i cant control other people. so i may dish out that italian evil eye but hey its all good. i dont need to talk to people or to try to talk to people who dont wanna talk to me. and even tho i havent found very many people who do, i will. ::nervous chuckle:: whelp. prom plan problems exist as well but i really dont know what to do about that at all! anyone wanna go wit me?!

<3 im thinkin mabye i like this guy but hehe i dunno. he's really cool. Giggles from the little one. <3

To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless--of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life? Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse." That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

all these deep thoughts about life and living and all that from my favOUrite amazing movies. heheh. it makes me think. and it makes me smile. i wonder how to do that... "make your lives extraordinary" hmm... at the expense of what... prioritze how? i dunno. its life. just dont let it pass you by...

its soo hot i saw those little guys in orange robes, burst into flames.

2003-02-20T23:19:00.000-05:00

Shoeless Joe Jackson: The first two were high and tight, so where do you think the next one's gonna be?
Archie Graham: Well, either low and away, or in my ear.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: He's not gonna wanna load the bases, so look low and away.
Archie Graham: Right.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: But watch out for in your ear.

2003-02-15T21:56:00.000-05:00

" & its beginning to snow "

~rent~

2003-02-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

"like a tempest to the seas, standing tall"

its post valentines day and altho the "bigger picture" outcome was a bust, i had a great day and night! i lost my harry potter valentines i bought to give out to those friends who are still friends, but i lost them in cleaning my room. however, i woke up to some goodies and a card from my mom and drove to school with the calm acceptance of knowing that nothing realli good will happen today because i dont even have a valentine. but judy michelle mrs D mike lauren nick bill and tina made me feel loved today. haha. i was expecting no love today but they made me smile. that and eating my weight in sugary goodness. lol. so it was a realli good day. i bought flowers for lauren and mom and lots of mallomars for steve. wat a cute kid i am! i decided to grin and bear the pain of a joez dance for jackie. i had a great nite. it felt realli good and needed to get out of the house. ive been sulking and realli down lately. i met jackies boy. cute kid. realli nice. maybe a lil shy but i give him two thumbs up. lol. a far away version of feeney. oo baby. haha. THE ED... id forgotten all about him. haircut and a diamond stud... looking realli good. hah. altho the music blew, as is the norm, i was groovin, with jackie,tina, cecelia, and other peoples. i was realli having fun. altho the girls timing was off. lol. but i realli like to dance. its just a lotta fun. jackie's boy's friend... when we first all got introduced i was like " hes sooo cuuuute !! " haha. after some barely heard yet ultimately confusing and rejecting stuff, haha, he got to asking me to dance. so we're dancing together. woo hoo..first time a joez boy ever asked me to dance. this kid is mad tall and bent down to the point where i was bending down too. craziness. but hes a realli good dancer. i think. haha. we danced for like 3 songs i think. soo cute!! yeh so i left realli excited and stuff. finding out afterwards that he may have a gf, drinks, and is into drugs, the attraction was over. which is fine. now. id LOVE to find a normal guy who is interested in me. a scruffy yet good guy. haha. one day i guess, one day. so i had a great valentines day!!!! goodies from daddy and mommy, lauren, and friends. and the dance... the way i see it.... a Cute Cute Cute boy asked Me to dance. lol. o did we move well together! so snaps to me!! the first really good valentines ive ever had. even if i was valentine-less and basically alone.

i slept until two today, which has never happened to me. i spent the rest of the day in slow motion. our dancing was on replay in my head. no im seriously not obsessing. between that, music, talking, and eating, i managed to do the Sochor homework. went to church. then to Camillo's!! woo hoo. cute little italian place, with great vodka sauce, meat sauce, antipasto, and the cute italian boys that fit perfectly in the cute litle italian place. but lucky for me, my periscope head (MOM) was suspended enough for me to eat some realli yummy tartufo. woo! the cute boys have been coming outta the woodwork. however, my enjoyment was put on seriously hold because altho the family went out to celebrate my 15000/yr scholarship, my parents saw it fit to make it a hour and a half of raggin on me for everything. in a playful tone they made fun of the boys ive had in my life and the friends i no longer have because theyve left me. also, lauren took it upon herself to describe the type of dancing she saw me doing with the kid. haha. the word 'grinding' came up more than once and the parentals eyeballs popped out many times. thats funny to me. Leave room for the holy spirit!!! hah . well, they just figured it was the perfect time to sit there and hurt me for a hour. seeing it as just playful razzing, they didnt understand why i got upset. im seriously smarter than my parents. "slugheads" no matter to me. it onli phased me for a moment. i take into consideration that they dont understand shit about me so therefore they are allowed to act like dumb fucks. i mean no disrespect. hah. i just mentally referred back to some realli great dancing with a CUTE CUTE CUTE kid.

"i turn around and pick up the pieces"

i really gotta shake the whole feeling shitty thing. its hard tho. i walk thru bga feeling soo alone that it paralyzes me and turns me into a deaf mute. i cant change wat other people think of me and all that bullshit. i wouldnt change who i am. because.....damnit im not that bad. i have some cute moments. i know im funny. and weird. and unique. im a pretti kick ass person. ( gettin asked to dance also boosted my self-confidence ). but yeh. im basically a pretti cool kid to be around. i just gotta wait for someone to give me a chance to be my friend now. everyone else has given up and walked away from me. so im coming outta this year with the few but TRUE friends i had coming into the year. its hard to walk around a sea of people feeling like the lonliest person in the world. it realli hurts. and i cant fix the situation on my own and i cant do anything about it. why dont people see me and like me or want to be friends, fuck if i know. " wake me up inside .... my spirits sleeping somewhere cold until you find me there and lead me back home " rite now, the epitome of how i feel. at dinner, we were plannin a lil grad party for me, possibly at camillos, family and friends they said. i said then onli expect family, i dont have anymore friends. sigh. im a realli weird funny and interesting person. i just have to wait until someone else realizes that. haha. dont hold my breath. yeh i know.

valentines day keeps me smiling tho. hehe. cute boy wanted to dance with me. ya know wat, strangers like me. and i always figured that it would be the other way ya know... that im ugly so if you get past that you will find a realli great girl inside. and then you'll love me as a friend or otherwise. but not rite now, thats not how things go. how strange aka fucked up, is that.

i made an AOL homepage of my favOUrite movie quotes and lyrics. i looove watching movies and music is wat flows thru my veins, not blood. haha. my passions. i love curling up with a good movie and some jelly bellys. and rockin out chillin to some good tunes.... best times in the world. if i onli had the company of a friend... then everything would be good. ive said Dude alot lately. im annoying myself. haha. college talk is bullshit. im realli vulgar lately.

this can officially be termed pyscho babble ( copyrite!! ) im realli bored. i better get some plans for the rest of the weekend or more long blogs to come. haha. i need a comment system is anyone knows of one thats still registering!! thanks.

" run and tell the angels that everythings alrite " ---- one day, yeh maybe :o)

2003-02-08T20:34:00.000-05:00

emotion
devotion
to causing a commotion
creation
vacation
mucho masturbation"

hehe i hope someone knows where thats from, otherwise, i gonna get some weird looks next time you peoples see me. RENT. try listening to it at the dinner table from mad loud Boss speakers downstairs. hehe. yes well first my dad started throwing cucumbers and our flank steak was mooing and then i spit orange juice by accicent ( like the water with jackies computer ) at my dad. there was singing and grooving at the dinner table. quite a site at the melanaski house. its amazing. i was smiling for the first time since about last sunday. its been a realli realli rough week for me. i feel so abandoned by the most amazing people i had as friends and wat sucks is that it took my four years to find friends that i hang out with and who i thought, wanted to be with me. the day i crashed my car brought me three great friends and that even started to branch further.... and ive never felt so amazing as i did from that time til now. it took me four years to smile, really smile, and people who i thought would have my back no matter what. and then it all slipped away. someone/something new came into the group and all of a sudden im not invited to anything, no one talks to me online, on the phone, or even in school. i had a certain weirdness develop with someone so that i accepted but to MC, i really thought that no matter what came our way, we'd be friends. even after what happened between us our friendship was strong. and now its nonexistent. ive talked to these people about it and i get these oddball answers that suck. and hurt. i havent felt this down since junior year and the bullshit i dealt with then. im not made of glass and this wont destroy me, but it hurts soo bad because i dont know what happened that these amazing people decided that i wasnt good enough to hang with or sumthing. i have some suspicions and unfortunately Im not at the root of any of them. i wish i knew. i was soo happy. i was telling my mom that overall this was a shitty year ( ie: crashing my dream car, losing wallet, having the possibility of moving to Cali, my poppi being sick, and some other fickle but painful things ) but that i finally found my friends and that all those little scars didnt matter. no ones ever seen me so loud and happy and as steve says " shining. and now it hurts to smile. and mom keeps telling me to call jackie or ali or bre and i cant. it hurts to talk. im not even at the wallowing part of the process yet. i feel like sleeping and crying and thats about it. i watch movie and listen to music and im turning into a zombie. why does this have to hurt this bad. why did i have this, the happiness that it took me forever to find, taken away? i dont get it. how pathetic do i sound! smack me someone. i was soo embarassed in PL on wed. i couldnt even talk. i didnt realize that i was blankly staring for about five minutes. o well.

" gotta find a cure "

i gotta get my mind off of this bullshit. o well. i watched Amelie again. " how many people are having orgasms in the city of paris? 15 " hehe. i love that movie. i tried to listen and not read and i got a lot of it. way to go me. kings to me. mom keeps sayin i gotta start all over and steve does too. i dont feel " ready " or sumthing. " you cant buy love, now i know you can rent it " is my happiness always gonna be temporary? whats gonna happen for prom... theyve all made plans together and im not a part of their plans. what do i do now! i feel like i dont have foundation anymore. empty classes empty halls empty school empty valentines day empty prom. full heart, beating on its own for me and everyone else who i still love, but im not in anyone elses heart anymore.

so i retreat into the music and the movies and the french. well, thanks for the memories then.

2003-01-25T23:12:00.000-05:00

im gettin sleepy so ill post later....but... no more SATs, no more midterms, and the most amazing retreat and experience of my life! this week started off realli rough with tests and stuff, mainly cuz my brain was shot to shit and i couldnt concentrate. i got a lil worried when comparing my physics notebook with bills. 5 subject notebook of nothing hehe! nikkis bday at charlie browns and a brilliant showing of lilo and stitch. hehe. altho i felt a lil uncomfortable i had a great time. i spent a year and a half on my english paper. i already have recruited some minions to help me kill wicke. neel and bill, you will get compensated. madden, pshhh! the retreat was just " i cant put into words " awesome. too many hilarious moments. and some realli touching ones. ive honestly never felt that special. thanks to everyone. i love people. granted people sometimes, i love you guys!! bubbas message for me was the one that made me laugh the most!! bills and mikes made me smile the most. i love you guys. to all my friends .... i love you, i honestly would be lost if one of you werent in my life. hehe. ali, we got sooo close and i love you, you're my girl! neel, thanks for the hugs. on a lighter note... i cant even hit the white ball playin pool. the stick just goooooes! hehe. my me and melissa dominated our firecracker tag team ping pong games!! hehe. i give great back rubs dont i !!!! i keep reading my messages, like a dork! attempting to have some people over for the game tomorrow. bill plans more of my get togethers than i do. hehe. o wait, what'd we say... a joint effort ?! hehe. tough enough three baby...my two boys won!! " wake me up inside " this prolli makes no sense to absolutely anyone, even those who were there during some of this stuff... i apologize for the incessant physco babble ( copyright ) i changed up my profile again. a one liner for those people i love!

" this chickll dance in the flame " --- much love to the future mark cohen of RENT! i love ya kid. i keep listening to this and then i go downstairs and its like " random breaks into song and dance " " i didnt recognize you without the handcuffs "

i found out the perfect professsion for me.... " pro wrestling rapper / stripper "

i think my heart is tired or confused or sumthing. its stubborn or just holdin on strong. im realli tryin to figure out how i feel. i talked to breanne last nite for hours. we confuse each other soo bad and yet, we understand. yeh i figured out how i feel towards things and people, one subject in particular. sigh. im in deep. the dyxlexia is becoming progessingly rampant but i love it! thanks bre for everything.

to my friends... " can i keep you ? "

2003-01-18T01:08:00.000-05:00

"Bring Me To Life"

How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

hehe ive been listening to this on loop for 72 hours. hehe. friggin awesome man. one of the most kick ass songs ive ever heard! and paul mccoy makes a feature ! my boy!! yay. this week was like just hysteria. pure insanity. maybe thats why i liked it so much. lol. i got back ALL my pictures from my birthday ( oct 9 ) til new years eve. hehe. ive been behind on pickin up my pics. but they are fabulous!! some formal and gorgeous, some scandalous, and some sooo weird its just scary! ive had the most amazing year and i love that i have the pics to remember. even tho from oct 9 until now ive had the worst luck in the world ive had such a great time. the group of friends that me crashin my car has brought me.... they are amazing! ive never been happier, even with everything thats gone on... im soo happy. im lucky to have everyone in my corner. i thought about that nov. day in the rain... i learned who realli had my back and it feels sooo good to finally feel like i belong. its taken a while, but everything was worth it! maybe its stupid but all the shit thats gone down since my birthday.... change of cars, loss of wallet, loss of sanity, and scholastic drive, colleges, boys... im still smiling --- even tho its the smile of a mentally insane person....! even tho my hearts kinda heavy.... ive never felt happier, or stronger.... or sumthing. maybe im a mutant. thats gotta be it.

"suga...aww hunny hunny "

2003-01-13T20:53:00.000-05:00

Holiday Road

Written by Lindsey Buckingham.

I found out long ago, oooohhhh
It's a long way down the Holiday Road, oooohhhh

Holiday Road
Holiday Road

Jack be nible, Jack be quick, oooohhhh
Take a ride on a West Coast kick, oooohhhh

Holiday Road
Holiday Road
Holiday Road
Holiday Road

I've come back long ago, oooohhhh
Long way down the Holiday Road

Holiday Road
Holiday Road
Holiday Road
Holiday Road

Oooohhhh

2003-01-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

Cheap Trick - Mighty Wings
It's just a ball of dust
Underneath my feet
It rolls around the sun
Doesn't mean that much to me

I take a chance on the edge of life
Just like all the rest
I look inside and dig it out
Cause there's no points for second best

There's a raging fire in my heart tonight
Growing higher and higher in my soul
There's a raging fire in the sky tonight
I want to ride on the silver dove
Far into the night

[Chorus]
Till I make you take me
On your mighty wings
Make you take me
On your mighty wings across the sky
Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings tonight

With just a little luck
A little cold blue steel
I cut the night like a razor blade
Till I feel the way I want to feel

There's a raging fire in my heart tonight
Growing higher and higher in my soul
There's a raging fire in the sky tonight
I want to ride on the silver dove
Far into the night

[Chorus]
Till I make you take me
On your mighty wings
Make you take me
On your mighty wings across the sky
Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings tonight

Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings

cheap trick.

Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee ( minus the accent marks )

I HAVE JUST FNISHED THE WICKE ASSIGNMENT!! BULLSHIT X5 AND IM GETTIN AN A! ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING

yes so i banged out 5 wicke papers in two days, while playing rogue spear ( I KILLED MADDEN ) and while entertaining people who kept dropping by. Mike ended up stayin over cuz he couldnt skate his car home on ice. still played some RS, but no Lib. Bearers, then today, liz stopped by....so no lib. bearers again!! but it sooo great to see my french club buddy!! college... dear me o my. my to do list is stil a novel. Im still learning Craps.... ( I dont get the COME pt. )

this has been the best christmas break ive ever had. absofreakinlutely the best one ever. ive never chilled so much with my friends. i love you guys. Can I Keep You ?! hehe. he makes me smile.

while hanging up the wet laundry i got a lil disturbed, when i pulled out a bright pink, im talking magenta, polo shirt. thinking my dad was turning Flam-ish on us... hehe i quickly turned it inside in and realized it was Thomas' carvel shirt. phhheww... lol. i thought it was funny. maybe ill wear it to school one day if he never claims it. its kinda funny.

PINK Monkey PJs. What a wonderful thing!! and a precious moments colouring book!! and monkey socks!! and lil too cute dragons!! wat a great gift!!!!

andy told me if he was ten yrs younger, hed marry me. wat a stupid piece of ratshit. i love him. lol. wat a dork. mike asked me who the boy i was talking about in my blogs was.... ( NO ITS NOT ANDY ) im not telling anyone this. nope.

my steve tried to talk to me about my boys and my love life and stuff. walking around with the man is fun. and hes easy to talk to, believe it or not, as a dad. hehe. its easier to talk to him than maman. i dunno why, and it gets her upset that we dont talk. i wish i didnt have such a hard time talking to some people. it would lighten up the tension at home.

breanne and me, over spring break.... "walking to canada in our thermal underwear" At the house, you can cut the sexual tension with a.... Spoon. haha.

i think ill watch my new vid. Amelie ( thanks the world to joe for gettin me to love this movie ) its french. its great. i wonder how many people in the city are having orgasms rite now. 15. hehe.

"im about this fonging close quasimodo, i swear to god."

i got sent home earli and suffer from an acute case of boredom!! what i learned from work today -- "penicillin shot in ur ass makes u hyper and horny " -- ana.

can you tell by the psycho babble ( copyrite ) ? STUTTERING dyxslexia ( i cant spell it now for some reason )........ so now im sittin here, on my arse.... thinking about him, his eyes, his smile.... ---- there i go being a geek. hehe.

" well, love peace n chicken grease, baby, i love you "

ps. unless ur bill, then its i love peaceful fat people in clouds.

i need a dose of RS.

2003-01-01T23:40:00.000-05:00

I find myself in question again
And I doubt this Love you've given to me
I hope you understand when I say
I need this time to myself

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life

I know your open arms too well
Cause I’ve lost myself there many times before
I need to slowly fall away
Far from the grip you have on me

You speak your mind to me again
You force your words so deep within
You try to tell me how to live
But it's my life
I find these words were never true
I've lost all my respect for you
I need to find my own way
It's my life

I gotta get away
One step away
I gotta get away
Just one step away
I gotta away you're pushing me away
I gotta get away
Well I'm gone

12 stones

my parents are heartless and soo mean one minute and sooo sweet the next. well its my life. keep makin me cry... im not made of glass.

hes soo adorable. everything about him is sooo just heheh. called breanne to tell her about it, stuttered and giggled for ten minutes and then she gave up tryin to understand. heheh. i felt so happy. so energized. so too cute. she was laughin at me real bad. hehe.

new years was sooo great. it was the best new years ive ever had ever. thanks guys. ur all amazing. hehe. from wat i can tell everyone had fun. i had a blast. up til 8, partytime, i cant recount the fun at least I had. hehe. i love my friends!

i wish i could tell him. sigh. there are always snags when it comes to me and boys. i wish i could tell him. id be soooo happy.

Sigh. the sigh of a crushin' girlie and a discontent daughter.

2002-12-30T14:33:00.000-05:00

As I lie tossing in my bed
Lost in my fears remembering what you said
And I try to hide the truth within
The mask of myself shows its face again
Still I lie time and time again
Will you deny me when we meet again?

And I feel like I'm falling
Farther every day
But I know that you're there
Watching over me
And I feel like I'm drowning
The waves crashing over me
But I know that your love
It will set me free

As I find truth where I found it times before
As I search for your hope
I'm finding so much more
And I try to be more like you
And I deny myself to prove my heart is true

I hear your voice calling
The time has come for me
Inside this life I’m living
There’s nothing left for me
My mind is slowly fading
So far away from me
Each time I start crawling
You’re there watching me

12 stones

my steve hooked up a cable line to my laptop so its running bee-youuu-tifully. heheh. yay. watchin my 12 stones vid now. too cute! im havin peoples over for new years. bre cant make it, but thats alrite. miss her, but im not hurting. heheh. well, havent heard from jackie yet. wonder if shes coming, cuz im not callin' first. unless my mum makes me. well bill tina brian and kelly and me, will have fun. heheh. i wonder if the rest of the pszczolas will show up. i hope so. hes fun.

her new favourite word in "girl, interrupted"... ambivalent. if fits me now. do i start my work, do i procrastinate....? do i like him, do i not? i think i do. i shouldnt. i know i do. i shouldnt. heartless comes to mind. i dont know wat to do. its impossible. nothing can come from me liking him, for a lotta reasons. but theres something about him, i dont know wat to do. theres this adorable sweetness... unresistable. heheh. im an idiot. i cant do anything about the fact that i like him. hes got someone. sigh. i wish he could see how i feel about him. thatd make me so happy. heheh.

i finished my math homework, most of it, and my art project. it looks good. cute too. work pressure is eating my brain.

"if you reach deep inside youll see my heart is true"

hes always on my mind now. i wish i could be with him.... ima dork. yup. no doubt.

ive had such a great break. i love my friends. madden and bill at my house. bre's phone call in breannese. paul. haha. yes im the next coming! heheh.... hes always told me i was pretty. my boy's rugburns on my buttbone. haha.

he has my heart, for now. sigh. just sigh.

" in the midst of darkness lord, my spirit calls for you "

2002-12-19T16:39:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You’ve given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you’ll see my heart is true

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this

12 stones

ambivalent? lost? confused? lonely? crushin? who knows wat the hell im feeling. its a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. ive been kinda weird this week. and in my delirium ive been fronting a hyperactivity which is quite odd. maybe its the hair. static electricity may have some unharnessed powers!! heheh. woo woo. found a new 12 stones video. how grand!! heheh. im fanatical. pl went smooth as a babys bottom today!! ali, we are amazing. "im broken, i know i need you now." hehe. i have this incomplete feeling bubbling up in me and i dont know wat piece of Me is missing. hmm. soooo.... im kinda bored and somewat in a stupor of sorts. good days and bad days. i dont have that crush anymore. heheh, so i was wrong. o well. i need something. i wonder wat it is. its prolli not coming in a xmas present...altho the best present i could get is havin bre and thoams over for christmas eve!! and theyre coming!! i plan on catchin up with my little french friend breanne, ALLO, dear. and kicking the crap outta thomas, two-fold. heheh. the crunchy scrunchy hair seems to work a lil better. altho it seems to have shotren in length all on its own!! " Keep your head up " paul mccoy. heheh. ive searched to the ends of hte earth for 12 stones stuff, besides the onli cd they have. and alas, to no avail. heheh. i wont give it up tho. theres gotta be sumthing sumwhere~~ i hope. cuz they are soo freakin' amazing. i luv em to death. just caught the way i feel video for the first time. its great. and pauls lookin cute blonde. heheh. two weeks off from school.. its a beautiful thing. i guess. hehe. i feel sooo weird lately. im more comfortable in my skin, not appearance wise of course, but i dont feel like myself. theres a fire in me, but right now " winter fire, january embers, my heart burns there too."

" in the midst of darkness lord, my spirit calls for you "

2002-12-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

Pure Imagination

Hold your breath.
Make a wish.
Count to three.

Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see into your imagination.
We'll begin with a spin traveling in the world of my creation.
What we'll see will defy explanation.

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it.
Anything you want to do it.
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it.

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.
Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be.

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it.
Anything you want to, do it.
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it.

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination.
Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be.

willy wonka

well im soo freakin stressed with things that i had to get done today... i think i got everything done. and now im watching sleepers and god knows how bad i get with this movie.... ive been crying sooo bad. sigh. its soo terribly sad. o man. heh. it gets to me soo much. its weird. but i had a great day at school. shakespeare was great!! they did a bunch of hamlet and i love

" cast thy nighted colour off and let thine eye look like a friend on denmark, do not forever with thy veiled lids seek for thy noble father in the dust "

yes well im a dork about that stuff. silly schedule. nap during lunch. and hehe sumthing to keep me smiling all day. i was realli happy driving home. and i had a funny hat today. heheh. ive been daydreaming a lot... wat a silly girlie girl i am. sigh. --- not the exaperated sigh, the im crushin' sigh that breanne and i have patented. heheh.

lets go to canada... we can walk there and save $ from gas and lets just not forget our thermal underwear!

- Seasons Of Love
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure? measure a year

in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?
how about love?
how about love?
measure in love...
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

(female soloist)
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand suix hundred minutes
how do you measure a life of a woman or a man

(male soloist)
in truths that she learned
or in times that she cried
in bridges he burned
or the way that she died

(all)
its time now to sing out though
the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in a life
of friends

remember the love...
(oh you gotta remember the love)
remember the love...
(oh yeah, its a gift from up above)
remember the love...
(sing out, give out, measure your life
in looooooove...!!!)
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

rent

2002-12-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

yes well i just lost a realli long ass post.... speakin' on my weekend. so heres the cliffs note version. i had the most amazing weekend. i had the best pre cotillion time, and the cotillion was the best one ive ever been too and my date was the best and our post cotillion " thing " was amazing and soo much fun. and ive never laughed as much as i did this weekend. and our hostess for the weekend was amazing. i love you doll! so umm yeh... i had a great time!!!!! heheh, my mom and the entire lach clan now thinks im nuts... but i am, so its all good! heheh. im soo incredibly tired and i cant believe that i have to go to school but the thought of seeing " him " hehe, is gettin me all butterflied and gigglee. almost. heheh we'll see. jackie knows now. we'll see wat happens. cuz im not sure. heheh. i wanna see him real bad. and then nyc tom. woo woo. and i think, sleepin over jack's again. so ill have negative hours of sleep by the time tuesday rolls around. hehe. im sooo happy. im in love with all of my friends and now heheh.... maybe. its all good. heheh. im soo glad that ive found real friends... the sincere kind that you can be yourself around and theyll just join in on the insanity. heheh. not the crap ive been dealing with.. cuz thats not real friendship. heheh. i love you guys!!

ps. special thanks to a pain in the ass fag whos doin our page for us!! luv ya! sorry its taking so long!

to everyone... "no matter how far we've come, i cant wait to see tomorrow with you "

2002-12-04T18:52:00.000-05:00

is it possible... do i like him... ( no its not the him everyone thinks it is... but someone else ) and its someone that i prolli shouldnt be feeling that way towards... for a buncha reasons...but i dont know. i think ive got the " i hope to turn the corner and see him...and when i go my locker i hope hes near, and the butterflies in the stomach, hes all i think about, girlie " syndrome, that for me, always accompanies a crush. sweet and funny, cute, and pays attention to me..heheh... i think i may be crushin' but its wat i need. an innocent crush of my own.... someone who I like, and i can sit on my own and hope that one day he likes me back. not the " he likes me, so ill like him " thing. cuz it doesnt work for me! heheh but a crush..heheh.. feelin really girlie...but giddy and gigglee and happy. heheh. i dont know whether i should like him or not, but thats how i felt towards my other crushes...and it was genuine... im babbling... i gotta go now.. heheh .. i have a new crush. o my...ill post again later, im being rushed.

2002-11-26T18:04:00.000-05:00

" i turn around and pick up the pieces "

it was the most terrifying day of my life. i still shake when i drive. i owe my sanity to the four of you. you are amazing. jackie, bill, neel, and brian are amazing people. i didnt know who cared about me. they never said so, but they never hurt me either. they never said anything, but they showed that they did care. jackies house was soo much fun. and the coffeehouse was fun as hell too. heheh. that tablecloth should be framed. heheh.

monday was hard to get thru. just a shitty day. jackie and i felt sick all day, the d'errico bagel didnt help. by monday, the rumors... car totaled, hit the house, and i died. heh.

theres always that one asshole... o well, whatcha gonna do...rite....?

o god, dresses and shopping .... looking at myself in the mirror is the worst torture a person can do to me. and my sisters dress is gorgeous, and she looks gorgeous, i look like a midget stringbean .... being hideous realli sucks. i had my dress on and i just started to cry. just...cryin. i love everything about myself, honest to god, except for my appearance. hideous.

tuesday shaped up to be an amazing day. heheh. playdoh makes the school day so much better. orange crack and bah-loo. arts always a blast.... altho i didnt appreciate the sculpture. heheh. pls been soo much fun lately. pat almost got my playdoh taken away by miss nice. spent most of 8th with the guidance brats! no school tomorrow. perhaps a waste, but its beautiful. heheh. and then there was the anarchy in the p. lot. haha. good times great times. best times. it was the best time ive had in soo long. heheh. im talking, cracking up laughin my ass off and gettin thrown and picked up and swirled and spun from 200 til like 330. heheh. jack me nate mike nick bill... what a crazy group. i had soo much fuckin fun. heheh. keys and trunks the antenna a ball "fuckin awesome man" i love these people!! you guys rock!! you kick. heheheh.

peoples liked me for being small and throwable. and me playin off like i dont it..hah...rite.... its soo much fun.. of course i enjoy it. ive never felt as special as i have since friday. other people made me feel that way. ive stopped looking to those certain people i want to care about me, seriously, its ur loss. i dont care about them. but fridays people and todays group of kids are amazing. craziness is fun.. insanity is theraputic, like playdoh. heheh. friends are everything that i need. you all made soo happy, and it prolli seems like nothing to you, but youve made me soo happy. heheh. ive got a dumb smile on my face. i wish today at the lot didnt have to end ! heheh. too many hugs...

i loved today... thank you for today.

" you kicked my dog "

2002-11-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

Artist: Veggie Tales
Album: A Very Silly Singalong
Song: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Joining Larry are Pa Grape and Mr. Lunt,
who together make up the infamous gang of scalliwags,
the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!

We are the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!
We just stay home and lie around.
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you ...
We don't do anything!

Well, I've never been Greenland and I've never been to Denver,
and I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul,
and I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa,
and I've never been to Boston in the fall.

'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!
We just stay home and lie around.
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you ...
We don't do anything...

And I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poop deck,
and I never veer to starboard 'cuz I never sail at all,
and I've never walked the gang plank and I've never owned a parrot,
and I've never been to Boston in the fall.

'Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!
We just stay at home and lie around.
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you ...
We don't do anything!

Well, I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping-pong,
and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall,
and I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten head lice,
and I've never been to Boston in the fall!

Huh? What are you talking about?
What's a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate??

Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things!

Oh...

And who ever kissed a chipmunk?
That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up?
Am I right? What do you think?"

I think you look like Cap'n Crunch!

Huh? No I don't!

Do too.
Do not!

You're making me hungry.

That's it, you're walkin' the plank!

Says who?
Says the captain, that's who!

Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Cap'n Crunch!

And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a stink bug,
and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball,
and I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in leggings ...

You just don't get it!

And we've never been to Boston in the fall!

ive been in rare form lately. its funny. i never saw myself as lighthearted. but theres been stuff going on that would have destroyed me at any other time, and altho, deep down it hurts, nothing has been phasing me lately. could it be that there is more than one immortal? he'd say no. im been happy. well maybe just hyper, and crazy, but still, i havent been as down on myself as i normally am. ive been able to find, some, comfort in other people... altho they arent the people i expected to come to my rescue. but hey some people care. thank you for that. mike wore a drunkn munky shirt today. kid, you kick. vanessas been crackin me up lately, til there are tears in my eyes! heheh. jackie, thanks for always being there. me jill bill neel madden and brandon and Jackie, if you wanna come, call me, i couldnt call you, are goin to menlo friday... b4 the coffeehouse, cuz im goin to see my friends there. good times. and im workin sat and im opening with andy on sunday. fun! dec 1st baby!! im psyched. date to teh cotillion...check. good times. need a dress. babble.

so anyways, ive been almost happy lately. i feel like a part of sumthing, altho i have my moments. and there isnt even a definite anything im a part of .. but i think maybe im just coming into my own. im fuckin stronger than i knew. even the things that still piss me off, i can laugh at anything lately. im open and friendly and honest and sincere. haha.... im just havin a good time. ive been laughing and smiling sooo much lately. it feels really good. i cant dwell on the crap anymore, cuz thats on other people, not me, not me, him. mayeb some things are falling into place, not everything but some things. this is such psycho babble but i dont know how else to describe this crap that im feeling. ill be coherent tomorrow.

2002-11-09T22:01:00.000-05:00

"ooo do you enjoy ( insert undisclosed name here ) ? "

that was the best way ive ever heard of someone asking me if i liked someone. thanks to jill. paul and i were remembering, thru artie, about the frosh europe trip. locking john lynch on the balcony. playing catch with me as the ball. o god. the best of times. i go to work, burn my knuckle til its all bubbly and freakish looking, get picked up and flipped and thrown around, have to run to shop rite for bandaids... weird nite. the hut of pizza... is a crackhouse. but i love working. i hate half the people but i love working. its sooo funny there. jays gorgeous as hell... andys... unique. i think arthur likes me. travis doesnt talk. tree is high. eddie is mad. ed is drunk. magdy gets mistakes in his deliveries... sana is sana. lisa should prolli die as well as jill. damien is a pain in the ass, but hes funny at least. and im the little "kriten" haha. good times... i have so much fun. but i got pizza sauce on the ass of my pants. i dont know how that happened! heheh. unfortunately, too many people tried to assist me in removing the sauce. heh.

we tried to get My P7 ( sent from heaven ) crew together for sunday but too many people couldnt make it so that got 86ed. buts its all good....some other weekend.

jill and i decided that we make want to go out with ( well maybe a little ) but that no one else should have him. hes our boy and we dont want to share him with anyone else but each other. heheh. so funny. hes ours. heheh. how possesive. well... dont worry, its not an obsession. just a great convo at the french breakfast.

which went So well. and god, i ate soo much its not even funny. i cant believe instead of the 44 choc. croissants we ordered we had 14. that was not good. but we dealt well. and i ate the leftovers. hehe.

on a more serious, i want to pull my hair rite outta my head, note... i went in to work on friday and lisa pulls me aside telling me that scott has come in on numerous occasions, cryin lookin all drunk and hungover, basically looking like shit, asking about me and cryin about me and all this shit. as if we were together for years. it was three weeks. then she shows me the electrnic notes hes left her on the computer for her number, asking her to talk to me and get me to go back with him and try to change my mind and get me to call him and shit. but she doesnt. everyone there is protecting me. which is a really good feeling. andy continues to threaten to fuck him up if he even came anywhere near me. and lisa doesnt return his calls. O and on top of that his friend keeps emailing me asking me to call him and be friends so that he wont be soo depressed. which is a shit idea. and hes got one of those @go.com addresses so i cant block him. it wont work. o well. its almost pathetic and entertaining. i do feel bad for hurting him. but this shit is a little too intense. ARGH.

i drove lauren and her little athiest guy friend frank to the mall... the kid is a terrifying character who has a lip ring, smokes, drives his father car, and is onli 14.

i had the most amazing dream last nite. i havent even been dreaming lately. but last nite was such a great dream and i woke up not remembering anything about it but i woke up so happy and that warm and tingly feeling was overwhelming. but then i remembered. it was soo great. it was one that if it came true it would make my day, my year. it would make me happy.

its been a great weekend so far. and im sooo incredibly free tomorrow so if anyone wants to chill sometime, please let me know.. id love to!!!

white christmas in hawaii.. as a senior and its my last cotillion i would like to go.. but not stag when everyone else had a bf/gf. i wouldnt be able to handle it. and i dont know if i could work up enough to get rejected yet again for a dance date.... we'll see what happens tho... false hope?

apparently, someone told me it takes a lot to get me to open up and start talking. i dont mean to be that way at all. and the sarcasm is a natural defense mechanism. i cant help doing these things. i wish i could. but i just wanna put this out into the blog void... that im not a cold, arrogant, heartless person... and i would love to talk/chill with anyone who would want to do so with me... i know that such a good person but thats not what other people see in me. and its my fault. god, i wish i could change how i come across... i dont know if i can.

i got his sn from someone. hehe. im soo incredibly girlie rite now. whoa now.... me? girlie? o crap! hes adorable and im curious to see what happens... hes such a great guy...

the rock is on. such a great movie! " i shit you not " lovin that line.

well enough for now i guess.... that was the longest in a while....

ps. ive been writing in my planner, over and over.. lonely little girl. thats kinda how i feel.. but im not too sad rite at this moment in time. does that mean ill be ok.. or am i just schizophrenic? heh. i kinda wrote a poem in there too.. but its " so too sucky "

" welcome to goo jersey "

2002-11-05T18:29:00.000-05:00

Which Disney Princess are you?

You're Megara!

You are a quick-witted tough dame with a tongue of steel. This jaded, cynical outlook is your suit of armor worn to protect you from further hurt and mistreatment. You may have been burned in the past by a love. Though your history weighs on your mind, you still have a little bit of faith in love. Don't deny it, girlfriend! Let go of the past and move on, embracing life's possibilities. But being more optimistic doesn't mean you have to lose your wit or independence!

2002-11-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

i could not fall asleep last nite... i kept seeing samara. so i broke out the headphones, put in my new STP cd, and drifted off to sleep. i do love driving to that cd. good times. my other one, flaw, is good too. whelp. i turned into lucifer this morning. i came out of the SATs with my head spinning and in dire need of an attitude adjustment.. and i didnt get one until 400 or roundabout there. the family went to the mall.. i dont do well with the family at the mall when we are clothing shopping...because my sister is the perfect size and its not that im jealous or that i wish her to be ugly, but it really really makes me feel bad. times like that make me really sad and i get cranky and snap happy and "overly agitated" well i was letting the fam. have it with both barells. then my mother preceded to tell me that she wanted me to get a crush on someone. then came the suggestions. i was half terrified, half embarrassed, and half " i need to smack the block of ya " ( yes three halfs, its possible ) so anyway i came home got changed and came downstairs feeling like a human being. i told them the demons have been exorcised. then it was off to church and then straight to work.

when i got there it was straight to business which was fine. then the questions start dribbling in... like the pestilence in the bible. crazy stuff. " so i hear you broke up with him " "Why" " i think its for the best, dont worry " " irreconcilable differences huh " im being supported so its all good. and everyone said that he came on a bunch of times hoping to see me, cryin everytime, and he left lisa a message yesterday " im heartbroken and i wanna die " i felt bad but i cant change it. and andy was freaking out " Did he try anything ! id fuckin kill him " i love andy. i was afraid that scott would come in and the drama would ensue. but its all good. and everyone is cool. but he kept coming in, or so i hear, cryin and looking like shit. i feel bad but not enough to do anything. i dont want to see him. he told chris he wants to meet me. and i was just like sorry but no. this isnt somehting i want to dwell on because im feeling really good and strong since yesterday with P7 and then cutting out of work to hang with joe ( and his arm ! ) and today... well im human again.

so im doing good and im feeling strong so i dont want the scott drama. im doing good. i may be weird, as was pointed out to me numerous times last nite but i love it. and i had to train this girl at work today. o did i feel like the important one. haha! damien is engaged and altho hes a sawed off prick of a human being its soo cute and bre's a great girl. i think its soo adorable and exciting. and i hurt my arm today, god knows how ( maybe i slept on it wrong ) but i couldnt lift dishes or the ice bins or pump sauce and i cant bend it and i can barely turn the steering wheel. damien then preceded to give me an indian rug burn so i gave him a right hook. but andy gave my arm a massage. so i felt a little better. i hate work but i love work. haha.

its been a great weekend. just wonderful. i have had a great time. P7, the mall, the ring, work ... p7 wooo wooo!! i love it there... p7. like a state of mind or sumthing. haha. one of the 13 clouds. " id rather drink gasoline ..." bill and i talked shop talk... i saw him circling my car and it made me laugh. so yeh... we have basically the same exact car. minus some cosmetics. and pranat wore a plastic apron today at work and i was cracking up sooo bad at him that he took it off. heheh. and travis told jill to fuck off ( mind you , travis never talks -- the silent white rapper ) Black hammer. heheh. im gettin giddy.

my mom keeps telling me to fall in love with someone. that i need a new love, a new crush. she continues to suggest and suggest and the slightest things are signs of everlasting love in her spiderweb of a brain. par exemple, paul, my boy wonder from some air force college in boston ( the kid who was on the first europe trip ) called my cell earlier tonite and my mom wants me to get a guy so bad that she suggested i spend the night at his school. the woman has permanently been warped. it was soo great talking to bassist bro' tho. i miss him. stayin out of trouble, thank god, and having fun.

haha... im soo hyper and silly right now. i leave you with a toast.

" may the wind behind you never be yours "

2002-11-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

well, damnit im gonna be ok. i may need people around most times, but being left to my own devices isnt all together bad, altho at the time it may suck. everything with scott is over. he is scum...its been decided by my trusted council. heheh. and whereas i may need/want a bf, itll come in time. cuz damnit, i Can be cute... and hey, someday someone'll like me. but my parents say im a slacker. not in all aspects. its onli true about the points that are important to them. ( SATs, college apps ( which have all been handed in ). the points that make me happy or whatever, i go after with a vengeance. so what Do i need to work on, my confidence, ambition, carriage, viewings of scary/classic ( I cant believe you have seen this ) movies, and im currently under the tutelage of a music sensai ... who will guide me to the good stuff. haha. im terrified right now. the ring. i wont dwell, itll make it worse. but i was just told that i have an immortal ( limited tho he may be ) watching over me. so what could i possibly have to worry about? i dont dare say im happy. but im not sad. i think most people live in between. i can deal with that. gnight and sweet dreams.

2002-10-27T14:54:00.000-05:00

i really need help. ive thought about it a lot. and we are too different. there are too many things that i dont like about him. im afraid that the onli reason i like him is because he makes me have a bf. i know that ive always wanted to have a bf and i think i feel for the idea, not the guy. besides the fact that lately i cant stand anything about him.... i dont know. and my parents arent happy with him anymore. sigh, i dont know what to do.... no strike that, i know what i want to do, i want to break up with him. ive never had to do that before. i wont be able to do that face to face, and it may hurt more over the phone, but its necessary. i just need to know how to word it. i need some advice.... please, someone... gimme a call, i need help. im losing it. i need someone to help me.... or just talk to me about it. please, save me.... hit up the cell... 732 754 2615.

2002-10-27T02:35:00.000-05:00

i need to talk to someone, nothings wrong, but i wish i had someone to talk to right now. i feel really weird. i know its early but im hopin that someone gives me a call when they get this during the day. ( 732 754 2615 ) call the cell if ya want, i know who i wanna talk to, but i dare say it. so much has happened.... but im in such a weird ambivalent mood rite now.

2002-10-09T23:29:00.000-04:00

I had THEE best day of my life today. thanks to everyone who made this day special. i love you all so much. bre and scott spent the day at the house. good times. he had more gifts for me in the car, besides the ones he sent to school and another one he picked up at his house. this kids tooo cute. well, personality wise anyways. i had an amazing day. such an amazing day. thanks guys. its you who have made it memorable.

2002-10-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

O No!! Its happening! Im pulling a Jackie here. the "nervous anxious self doubting unsure of how to act or be ... beginning of the relationship with a boy "thing. i wish i didnt feel so unsure about it all. you know me, the worrisome one. i do feel uneasy. im glad he was there to hold me tonite tho. i dont really have a lot to say rite now ... i wish i could talk to people.

2002-10-02T20:45:00.000-04:00

Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human
Wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the
Ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground
That covers the message
That is the seed

sponge --plowed

someones gotta hook me up with some happy songs. my mind is a blank brick wall. he called. haha. his message he left last nite at like 1200 was soo cute. heheh. so of course my cells upstairs when he calls and lauren picks it up tells my mom scotts on the phone and then gives it to me. so we talked for like an hour and then i had to go. and then came the obligatory 20 questions session with momma duke. haha. scott with the ponytail? what school? how old? what other job? then she goes, ya know, you two could go out sometime if you want, since he drives and i was like good cuz we're goin out on friday. and i got out of gettin a curfew thrown on me, cuz he gets out after i do. haha. how evil am i. but me and her are really cool now even tho she goes i wont say much more but just dont fuck him. haha. after what she said to jackie, i didnt think it got worse than that, but i was wrong. and she says that three years isnt such a big difference so she doesnt care if we go out. triumph. hes soo cute on the phone. hehe, i wont get into details or anything. he does say the word "fuck" alot...even more than me. he said hed give up drinking for me. i like him alot. my first real bf. haha. its embarrassing i know. but true. i hope i dont act like too much of a jackass. haha. im really hyper and excited rite now and i have no one to share it with. o well. he kept telling me how lucky he was to be with me and to talk to me and everything. it was really nice. i hung out in the chem lec this morning for a change and it was fun. i think i may have to frequent there more often, it thats alrite with the chem lec natives. im in a fantastic mood. more college stuff under my belt. i have scott, as watever. my friendships are solidifying and i just sat on my own and thought about those people. and i realized how lucky i am to have some of them call themselves friends of mine. thank you for that guys. you give me happiness and strength when i need it most. i love you guys. im genuinely happy rite now. even if its onli for a second. "the suspense is terrible, i hope itll last" i felt criminally insane this morning and it was fun as hell. and now tonite, i feel docile and peaceful. but i also wanna scream and yell and tell people. im soo weird. im starting to honest to god believe in myself. he likes me for me. and i didnt think that that could be possible. whoda thunk it, huh....

"i wanna ride on a silver dove far into the night"

2002-09-28T21:49:00.000-04:00

well... ive been posting sad depressing songs for so long i cant remember any good ones! heheh. well since i built up working this weekend with the boy to anyone who would listen.... i might as well keep talking. well, last nite it seemed like the whole store was in a bad mood and especially scott ( his ex gf was horrible to him yesterday )and he was gettin misty eyed when he was talking to me. he spent the rest of the night not really talking to anyone and was short with everyone. well, he spent hte last hour apologizing to me and he did the same thing today, about a million and 2 times. heheh. it was sweet. and i can sympathize, so its all good. (b/c of the rain i wore my hair curlee yesterday bc of the rain ) and wore it straight today and he was just like " o god, i love you like that." and it was soo great today with him. everyone was in a great mood even tho damien should stick an m80 up his butt and lite it.... but anyways. it was so funny today and i love being with him. i started to feel really bad because there is this new girl sue who is absolutely gorgeous and all the guys are like drooling over her feet. and i guess i looked a little upset and he walked up behind me grabbed my waist and just whispers in my ear " i think you're the sexy one " and walked away. it was cute. so anyways, we leave to drop me home and we were just talking about lots of stuff and the story with his ex. and at the end he was like "i felt so bad yesterday and im gonna turn into an alcoholic cuz of it all " and i was just like no dont do that you dont have to " and he was like " i just sit alone by myself, theres nothing else for me " and i was like " you dont have to drink and you dont have to be alone " or sumthing like that... and he was like "really, do you mean you'd hang out with me?" and i go yeh. and by now we're pulllin up my street and when i said yeh he stopped the car in the middle of the street turns to me and goes " so if i asked you to go to a movie sumtime with me, you'd go ?" and i was like " yeh id love to go see a movie with you" yes it sounds corny to everyone else but it was the greatest for me. and we pull up to the " house after the boat " and he was like "thanks for listening, i feel so much betterr talking to you... and i feel amazing because you said you'd wanna be with me. i know you're working tom. and im not but ill try to stop in to see you " he was holding my hand at this point. we said gnight and he honked the horn all the way up the block ( which was weird ) but it was funny. im really happy. i mean, nothings official and maybe sumday we'll go out, but i feel great when im with him. heh. im happy. the best part was the car. im happy. i didnt think i could be anymore. JACKIE!! i tried calling you cuz im freakin out rite now and im pysched and i cant get in touch GRR. i gotta tell someone haha.

"deep inside ur eyes im blinded by ur love "

2002-09-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

2002-09-26T16:17:00.000-04:00

well, as ive explained to a coupla people, or anyone who'll listen, im totally head over heels for the boy. i miss him alot and i cant wait to go to work on friday cuz i know hes working friday. im getting cynical in regards to the 'does he like me back' part, but im sumwhat hopeful still. i like him like crazy and keep picturing his smile in my head. i really hope this one works out. ive never been all giddy over a guy before. girlie girl. it feels weird. paul said hed pray for me, and that he thinks itll work out. joe said this sounds like itll prolli work out too. jackies supportive, thanks doll. everything you said today helped alot. i just wanna see him, without jill there..the complications suck there but i cant do anything about that. i wanna go to work damnit! and i want my PL pictures back... maybe tonite says mom. the eternal mother answer... we'll get em later! heheh. i was advised that id make a great bar dancer ( think of coyote ugly ) any one else care to comment ! hahaha! well, gnight.

"cuz im dreaming of you tonite"

2002-09-25T21:23:00.000-04:00

2002-09-22T22:31:00.000-04:00

This weekend was great !!!! forget that friends thing i posted... i dont give a flyin fuck about that/them... this weekend kicked. i worked a lot and drove a lot.... scott was there. im beaming rite now. i wore my hair straight today and yesterday and yesterday everyone was like ' o its great.. doesnt she look pretty ' so i did it again for tonite and scott saw me and was like " you look soo amazing, you look so good, i cant believe it, you're gorgeous " and later on he was like " i cant stop looking at your eyes and smile " maybe you can call it vanity but i doubt it... but it felt really really good to have someone say that to me. later on andy comes up to me and pulls me over and starts asking me all these questions about what i think about scott and ecetera... it was cute. do you like him better with his goatee or without, what about his ponytail ( yeh a pony tail ) god knows what i equate that with. hehe. well.... maybe he likes me back. prolli not. we talked every free minute either of us had. jackie, hes twenty. like anyone else cares but i just wanna get it all out before i explode. hes just got these great eyes and cute little smile... hes got a baby face... i think hes been flirting with me. he offered to take me for a ride with him on a delivery and i was shit yeh...but my dad came in to pick me up, so next time. this kid just makes me smile and like joe said " its about time " thats weird as it is. he makes me smile and i havent done that in a really long time. haha, on top of which, on of the front ends, travis, finally started talking today. that kid hasnt said two whole words and hes been here since july. well, im excited to see whats gonna happen with scott. hes a cool kid ( i wonder if its a big thing that hes twenty ?) and i like being with him. apparently he had some trouble with authority in his senior year and i dont know what happened after that. kinda a bad boy.. but a guitarist and an artist... so i think it evens out. altho, hes never heard of 12 stones and turned his nose us at lp... but who cares. i feel so alive and energized. i wonder where to go from here... im working with him tom. and i think all of next week... yay !

'run and tell the angels that everythings alrite'

2002-09-21T14:44:00.000-04:00

They say freak,
When you're singled out,
The red,
Well it filters through.

So lay down,
The threat is real,
When his sight,
Goes red again.

Seeing red again,
Seeing red again.

This change,
He won't contain,
Slip away,
To clear your mind,
When asked,
Who made it show (who made it show),
The truth,
He gives into most.

So lay down,
The threat is real,
When his sight,
Goes red again.

So lay down,
The threat is real,
When his sight,
Goes red again.

So lay down,
The threat is real,
When his sight,
Goes red again.

Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red again!
Seeing red!!!

They say freak, When you're singled out,
The red, it filters through.

-- chevelle the red

well im feeling pretti hyper and happy, like i was a long time ago. people were supposed to hang out with me but instead decided that their boyfriends were a better choice. ive felt like the normal people i roll with feel like im not good enough to hang out with anymore. theres more than one person. it pisses me off more than hurts me... because im sick of the petty shit. i have mind enough to tell off two people who were supposed to be my close friends, ya know the kind, the "ill be there no matter what"... well it turned out that the friendship should really be called " ill be there until I find someone better to be with " theyve dropped me. im not gonna be there when they turn around to pick me up, when they need me because they got burned. im sick of this shit. i was talking to people in the PLAB yesterday morning and as i was talking one of my "friends" looked at me and gave me this look of total disgust. ive never felt more betrayed. i feel like the people who are supposed to like me because we're friends have left me out to dry. " a good friend stabs you in the front " im finally starting to believe in myself -- i like Me, except for the fact that im ugly -- im pretti ok. and everyone else has given up on me. and im just gonna have to find new people... im gonna have to wonder the earth alone for awhile...."the lonely position of neutral" i do feel betrayed. and i feel alone. deep down i know some day it will be better. i wont give up, just because everyone else has.

"just dig a hole and throw dirt on me"

2002-09-19T17:11:00.000-04:00

im alone and im almost happy. im kinda living. im feeling good. kings to me and you... im not going to the dance so if anyone else is free, seriously, lets do sumthing friday nite... im in a great mood and i wanna hang out... hit up the cell if you're free...732 754 2615.

ive been smiling lately. good times, huh. i wanna hug everyone. haha.

one scary thing is wat he told me. i love that kid like a brother and im scared that hes gonna fuck himself up.

well, on to better times.

Richard : " im swimming back to the house of death, on a dead body "

Larry : " i think im getting swimmer's ear, Richard."

--weekend at bernies--

2002-09-15T16:19:00.000-04:00

Part of me won’t go away
Everyday reminded how much I hate it
Weighted against the consequences
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Wanna cut it out of my soul
And just live with a gaping hole
Take control of my life
And wash out all the burnt taste
I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low ‘cause it’s part of me
Ya hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me the routine scar
New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this
I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts that grade on my sanity
I rather not even be then the man that’s staring in the mirror through me

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

Freedom can be frightening if you’ve never felt it
Once it’s been dealt with you feel like you’ve been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong
And feel the calm when the problem’s all gone
And then you start to see another piece of yourself that you can’t let be
Memories of the last fight to free yourself
Take it to the depths of the bottom of the well
And now you know you can choose to lose the part in your heart
Where your insides bruise
You can live if you’re willing to
Put a stop to just what’s killing you

Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me
Cut myself free willingly
Stop just what’s killing me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams away silently (repeats w/ next line...)
This part of me won’t go away, part of me won’t go away

Everywhere I look around I see how everything aught to be
Every time I see myself there’s always something wrong with me

I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me
I feel it everyday
I feel I made my way
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside
Swallowing me

I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me

Lp Part of Me

IM FEELING SOMEWHAT BETTER.... HAH WHO'DA THUNK?!

2002-09-11T16:24:00.000-04:00

so many songs in the world, i dont know which one to pick! decisions, decisions. the first day of school was short, and painless. my schedule is basically smooth. helping out lauren made me feel cool. haha. yesterday was harsh as hell and as serious as a heart attack. im petrified of sochors class.

but o well. things were better today. it was a day to remember and to be reflective. i did my own praying today. i realized that i am special and if anything, im the onli one who knows that completely. if no one else takes the time, its there loss. ill be fine. one day. i was picking up some stuff yesterday with my mom, just some odds and ends for school and we got to talking and we realized that i had really changed for the worst. there was a time, not so long ago, when i was happy.. i could do anything and handle anything ... i was relentless and strong. i was really living. then sumthing happened. something had to of happened. i dont kow what tho. but i was happy and now im not. i kinda have an idea of what coulda triggered the change in my spirit. i gotta just let go. turn around from it and never look back. so i guess thank god that im not gonna have to see "it" at any time during school. ive had such a hard time every time i tried to let go. i dont want to but i have to. perhaps thats whats killing me. im not myself anyone. there was that time, i liked who i was and nothing could bring me down. i believed in myself. im not sure how to get back to that, but im walking away now. i wanna go back to the old me, i liked that version. so did other people. but not anymore. so i gotta just start over. somehow.

onto a funnier note...our bus consists of st joes kids and bga kids. the st joes kids..i hate them. they are horrible. and today they threw a crushed soda can at lauren, my sister. i was listening to music. so it hit her in the back of the head ( no this isnt the funny part ) and it hurt and she started to cry. well fuck that. i got up turned off the music turned around and went off to ranting and raving to those scared shitless pricks. the little girl sitting in the front, screaming like a psycho, haha. it was great. when i was done yelling and threatening and cursing and questioning and challenging... those boys were just staring with mouths wide open. everyone was like " omigod " it was funny as hell looking back. but no one fucks with me and my family. not even with lauren. so i stepped up. needless to say, they walked up to her and apologized loud enough for me to hear. heheh. good times.

well thats enough for now i guess. i think ill be ok sometime soon. i hope. ::nervous chuckle:: anyone think ill be ok someday?

"barely treading water knowing i will not give up"

2002-09-07T22:40:00.000-04:00

Oh here you are
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
But when you take me I'm not there
Almost human but I'll never be the same

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't wanna live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say

Is there anythin to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't wanna live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't wanna live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own
On my own

long way down goo goo dolls

You know what, i had so much fun at PL, i wasnt really expecting to, but i did. the most unsuspecting people opened up to me. it felt good. i had a blast. no sleep and two days of nothing but candy. woo woo. im still wired. pizza hut is a shithole that totally screwed up my hours. i was supposed to work yesterday, was told today and monday, and wasnt told about tom. friggin damien. my mom wont let me leave. my dad said hed let me apply to shop rite instead. im missing OLV's BBQ. i love going to that and now i cant. i love the P7 crew like crazy. well most of em. haha. jill and i were talking about french club. we really hope that the two of us are co prez. this year. we'd rock out in french club. im so excited. willy wonkas on. oompa loompa..... heheh. i wish i could talk more about pl cuz boy do i have stories to tell. confidentiality and all. if i talk... ill drop dead and rot. i Can say that i got dragged across the floor and now have black and blues all over my poor little leg. i returned home to find out that the onli one that missed me was joes 'pet rabbit' im loved. haha. schools starting soon. and im working the last free days of my life. haha. but i hope ill do alrite. forget it, ill live. no big concerns. ill try my damnedest but whatever happens, happens. i really wanna see everyone! and my sis gave me her schedule and told me everything. it was soo cute. i had alot of those same teachers. heheh. its cute. i helped her out with when to go to her locker and everything. i felt almost imporant. wow this is all pretty scattered. i wanna be happy. i dont know how. i wanna be happy. i dont know how.

"strike that, reverse it"

2002-09-03T20:49:00.000-04:00

TURMOIL & RESTRAINT

2002-09-02T22:36:00.000-04:00

"TRUE FRIENDS"

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a "frienship" poem that really speaks to ture true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,

When you are sad... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile... I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared.... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quite whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumbass.

When you are sick...stay away from me until you're well again. I dont want whatever you have.

When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath... I pledge til the end. Why you may ask?

Because you're my friend.

Send this poem to ten of youre closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you rite now anyway.

P.S. A friend you help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

2002-08-30T16:38:00.000-04:00

my thoughts are like lightning bolts. randomly wreaking havoc on my heart and mind and theres no escape. i feel really lost rite now. its cold out and i love this weather. its cold out. i feel cold. maybe the better word is empty. i feel like i have nothing. i cant even talk rite now. im in this dreamlike state. theres not light, no dark... theres not much of anything. im losing it, fast. im so excited and happy when im with people. i love being with people, but no one wants to be with me. i feel so alone and lost. i dont know what to do anymore. theres no comfort anymore. nothing makes me feel better anymore. my perception, no one gives a damn about me. "empty chairs at empty tables" the empty comment box... or the empty comments. it looks like its gonna rain and i feel like im gonna cry. breannes too busy being miss socialite to give a flying fuck. and too far away. everyone else has there new relationships to obsess about. i feel left behind. everyone else has the love of someone, a gf/bf, or just a friend who'd lie down in traffic for you. i believe more than anyone that love is all and im the onli one left alone, who doesnt want to be alone. all i want is love, of sumone, a guy, a friend, anyone, and i have nothing.

2002-08-26T21:53:00.000-04:00

pizza hut ran outta pizza dough... the new driver jason thinks im cute....and lisa got a phone number of the most gorgeous lawyer ive ever seen....good times huh...its pretty funny i think. i put in three extra hours, just cuz im charming. whelp, almost every girl-friend i have has got herself a boy of her very own. i couldnt be happier for my girls, but i still feel bad. if he doesnt realize that goddamn im a "pretti slammin chick"-- jason... then i friggin give up. yeh i still realli like him, but i cant do this to myself anymore. its not fair to me. ima be selfish now. im letting go. ya dont wanna take a second look at the 'girl inside' then fuck that. im fine. ya know what... there is another guy who's interested. tj's bandmate...haha can ya believe it..and hes matts friend, so that actually says alot. we've been talking and if we're free on wed. the three hahah of us are going out. we'll see what happens. im not expecting anything... i cant anymore. im feelings pretti zany rite now. talking to gabe. mwuahhaa.

i got to talk to jackie today. girl did i miss you like crazy. the damn cult-like retreat finally let my friend go! haha....and now on to the next cult - like camp....PL from Hell. just joshing guys.... or am i!

yesterday i was on production and i sat these three kids.... i knew two outta three because of my sister. and we were talking... no, no flirting they are froshies. haha. but they had just come from the carnival and they gave me their prizes. i didnt ask, they just gave me them. those corny froshies made me laugh all day. it was great. a beach ball and a stuffed sports hat. how wonderful. they all signed the beach ball....one was "big poppa" haha. get this tho.... one kid is THE ED's little brother. wooo woo.. that just made me laugh even more. the ed got in an accident. thank god hes alrite, but he didnt wanna talk about the car. thats rough. tj doesnt work at shop rite anymore....but thats soo funny that gabe knows him. i thought my relation to tj had ended. o well. its all fun times here. i must go now... im starving....

renaissance man style rapping....

" This Above All To Thine Own Self Be Tru " ---- add one desk slam for every word!!

"to be or not to be, the double D emcees' are lettin it be....to be...." heheh. damn im wired.

2002-08-25T22:16:00.000-04:00

"Innocent"

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain A guitar and a stereo

while he wishes he could escape this
it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)

We are, we are all innocent

--our lady peace

2002-08-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

Whoo Hoo. Jackies home. welcome back girlie. we gotta chill. im not working on tuesday so gimme a call. welcome back suckerbutt.... read the comments for the post before this one.

2002-08-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

"Slipping Away"

I won't let you down
The words you said to me
It's echoing the sound
Of what would never be
I'm standing here alone
The memories remain
The same familiar home
But nothing looks the same
And I'm standing here alone
Can't tell if I'm awake
Reality is gone
In a dream I can't escape
You said
Hold on
But I feel like
I'm slipping away
I'm getting through it now
I guess it's plain to see
That everything I am
Is not everything you need

--TRUSTcompany

well, yesterday was a pretty eventless day, but a good one nonetheless i suppose. i went shopping with my mom, she wanted to get some new clothes. how cute. i told her i wanted to make sure that she didnt look like a frumpy old grandma.... she found that pretti funny. and i bought a cute pair of white sneaks. they are a 2 1/2. i was sitting there tryin em on, while the little kids next to me were sporting powerpuff girls light up sneakers. it was pretti funny. hey ali, those imitation cons, i showed my mom and she bought me a pair when i wasnt looking....how great is that. i finished all my summer reading books and im soo excited to start the count of monte cristo. "king's to you" thats soo great.

we decided that we arent gonna go to the boat this weekend.... everyones kinda beat and the weathers not looking up. and altho one of my favourite things to do down there is to watch the thunder and lightning storms along the water... my family chose to chill up here this weekend. o well. its all good. our parish has a carnival going on til sunday. im working sunday nite but im free tonite, so if anyone wants to come down and hang out with the carnies... guys gimme a call ( 732 754 2615 ) and perhaps we could chill.

where i once saw myself as a friend, now i see that in retrospect i was a last resort. i think. "it was good while it lasted" ive been giving so much of my heart and my mind to someone and its apparently wasted. where i feel that i should give up, i dont want to. i dont know when i will, but not yet. it really sucks. i have such strong emotions towards everything, but especially this and i keep coming up empty. even matt asked me, "then why do you still..." i dont know what to say in respose to that anymore. all i know is what i feel, and its like even my emotions are in question....he said " how can you feel so strongly for someone, for so long, get nothing in return, and still not be able to let go...?" i feel foolish. "the lonely position of neutral" anyways, im kinda gettin tired of constantly really inviting people to go out with me cuz nothing ever comes of it. i guess its me. heh well, c'est la vie. such is life.

i generally have such a hyper and crazy outlook on life ... and im trying to keep that outlook up and burning. i love the way i am when im with the people i love, but the times that i get to spend with them is less and less and the number of people who love me back, i wonder if its even existent. its like, "lets see how long she can last" i know who i am and that im a good person... basically just funny and sweet. i guess theres just a lot of scarring on the surface so no one wants to look beyond that.

"theres a raging fire in my heart tonite"

"Il pleure dans mon coeur ..."

2002-08-22T22:26:00.000-04:00

It's just a ball of dust, underneath my feet
It rolls around the sun, doesn't mean that much to me

I take a chance on the edge of life, just like all the rest
I look inside and dig it out, 'cause there's no points for second best

There's a raging fire in my heart tonight
Growing higher and higher in my soul
There's a raging fire in the sky tonight
I want to ride on the silver dove

Far into the night

Till I make you take me, on your mighty wings
Make you take me, on your mighty wings across the sky
Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings tonight

With just a little luck, a little cold blue steel
I cut the night like a razor blade, till I feel the way I want to feel

There's a raging fire in my heart tonight
Growing higher and higher in my soul
There's a raging fire in the sky tonight
I want to ride on the silver dove

Far into the night

Till I make you take me, on your mighty wings
Make you take me, on your mighty wings across the sky
Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings tonight

Oh I wanna make you take me, on your mighty wings
Make you take me, on your mighty wings across the sky
Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings tonight

On your mighty wings
Make you take me, on your mighty wings across the sky

Take me on your mighty wings
Take me on your mighty wings

--cheap trick "might wings"

i decided to use the song for which my page has been newly entitled. i absolutely love this song. its great. "theres a raging fire in my heart tonite" it fits soo great. gotta love it.

by the time i got home yesterday i felt soo alive. i was actually feeling happy. after chillin poolside with ali and hanging, umm, "mallside" ( nope doesnt work ) with joe and running into matt shimin who didnt notice me, punk.... i had just an amazing day and the amazing-ocity, or perhaps amazingoscopy, ( yeh ali ) spilled over into today. got a new cd, good stuff...and got sum odd ass samplers and a nelly furtado video, nope im never gonna watch that one. im just in a smiley mood and it feels really good. i felt safe and happy yesterday. after i got dropped off, i walked into 20 questions with the whole family. but i had such a great day everything crappy i was feeling just left and it hasnt come back yet. im really just feeling good. and i dont want the feeling to end. " the suspense is terrible, i hope it'll last " -willy wonka

" and I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've got to promise not to stop when I say when "

today we drove over to staten island for my grandpas birthday... yeh gotta love matty. crabs, baked clams, clam sauce, napoleon ...good stuff. i spent allota time talkin to my grandma and she told me soooo much about her family and everything and i watched these old videos of when my mother was a kid and all that... they were always with the brothers and sisters and cousins and i really really wish i was alive ( yes i know its impossible ) to know them all. especially uncle mikey and my cousin michael. they seemed soo awesome. it was amazing. i loved watching those movies and makin my grandpa laugh like that. good times. this was one of the best times that i had over there in such a long time.

for the first time in a really long time i feel alive. ive had such a great time, i really hope the people i was with enjoyed themselves yesterday somewhat or ill feel bad, but what can you do....."goodnite never never land "

2002-08-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

" the lonely position of neutral "

2002-08-21T00:07:00.000-04:00

I have a lot to write, but its more of the same anguish... so all im gonna say is that this morning my little hamster, Bradlee died. my little buddy.

2002-08-20T19:41:00.000-04:00

Was raining in my heart
Falling deep inside of me
Drowning in my soul
This silence rushes over me

I am breath against this fire
And I will not turn away
I'm waiting for time to carry me
Like a tempest to the sea
Standing strong
Watching over

Love will keep me believing
Thru the dark...can you hear me calling
Holding on when I'm dreaming
Love is all...Love is all

Thundering on high
Love was all I knew before I fell
And now the shots of man
Are echoing inside myself

I am breath against this fire
And I will not turn away
I'm waiting for time to carry me
Like a tempset to the sea
Standing strong
Watching over

yanni tribute "love is all"

2002-08-18T20:30:00.000-04:00

"deep inside your eyes i am blinded by your love, still i run so far just to find that i'm alone again"

2002-08-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

EVERLONG

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
and out of the red out of her head she sang

Come down and waste away with me
down with me
Slow out you wanted it to be
over my head, out of my head she sang

and I wonder
when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
the only thing I'll ever ask of you
you've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Breathe out
so I can breathe you in
Hold you in

and now
I know you've always been
out of your head out of my head i sang

foo fighters

heard the acoustic version on the radio today. lifted my spirits for a bit. i still feel alone but i actually know im alone this time. i know that ill be alrite, sooner or later and now i know that i have to take care of myself. i know for sure that no one else cares so ill do it on my own. "im gonna go where im goin on my own" no one cares and ill depend on myself. ive stopped looking for other people to care for me or wanna be with me. im not gonna write about this shit anymore. so people have been writing about the superficial shit that they want... jesus, all i want are friends. "and id give it all away, just to have someone to come home to"

"The Middle"

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

jimmy eat world

so yeh.... this last song is perfect. the whole cd fits into my heart perfectly... i wish i could just write all the lyrics and just say "see there, cant you read, this is how i feel"

"In My Head"

I'm reaching out without a sound
My pride falls to the floor again
Inside my mind I search to find
A place just to call my own

Deep inside your eyes
I am blinded by your love
Still I run so far just to find that
I'm alone again

In my head
I hear you calling me
And I can't run ‘cause there's nothing left for me
When I fall you always follow me deep inside
Deep inside
Deep inside of my head

I just can't last as these feelings pass
Once again I hide the pain inside
The smile wears thin and the lies begin
To bring me down again

When I run I run so far away from you
I hide the pain and all the lies deep inside again
And all my faith I put in you
This time you take it all away

Inside my head
Deep inside
My head

12 stones

2002-08-14T11:02:00.000-04:00

im still home unfortunately. not leavin until tonite. we'll never get there and i need to be there. i keep checking my page... no comments. im writing to the darkness....sighs.

2002-08-13T16:07:00.000-04:00

"'the time has come,' the walrus said
to talk of many things
of shoes and ships and sealing wax
of cabbages and kings
and why the sea is boiling hot
and whether pigs have wings"

i dont feel like writing much, but i also dont feel like looking at those same old posts anymore...so...bon anniversaire to joe and congrats to me. i go to a party and a guy is interested.... but its the same guy that my friend has been swooning over for 2 years. i wouldnt jeopardize that friendship, which sucks for me...but she did in fact see me dancing with him...which was none of my doing.... and she said she almost got upset. but its all good. friendship proven.... mission accomplished. that jelly belly tasated like armpit. hahah. OO! i forgot to tell jackie that i saw patrick last nite. the boy has turned mega scruffy. too bad he was a real jerk to me. hes still cute. i rented deuces wild and i refuse to watch it until i get down to the boat.... but my mom is sick so we're still home. ugh. i need to be at the boat right now. my parents are bothering the hell outta me. apparently i need to plan my entire future right this minute, or all is lost. they are obnoxious. my dads gonna pop a major vein soon. anyways, i need to be down the shore, by myself, on the T dock, where theres nothing but silence, the water and the sunset. and my thoughts. i think to myself soo much, i forget that there are other people there sumtimes. ill post later.

2002-08-08T22:40:00.000-04:00

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to.
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

les miserables 'on my own' eponine's song

2002-08-08T22:01:00.000-04:00

LEARN TO FLY

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die
I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I'm looking for complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying ( trying)
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
I think I'm done nursing the patience
I can wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything is alright..
Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try and make this life my own

foo fighters 'learn to fly'

well im back. finally. \my family...haha... im lucky to still be alive. i wonder if anyone actually noticed that i was gone! i had a great time, for real. it was soo amazing. i even enjoyed having my cousins down. tubing was ultimate and the mudslide sandbar was fun. there were sooo many cuties. we were in the car one time and we saw this old vintage mustang and my dad was like " thats gorgeous, and its in really good condition too." then the herd of cute guys passes by and i go " they're gorgeous, and they're in really good condition too." heheh. met a cool guy today... josh. heheh... i was sittin on the table watchin the sunset and he just approached me. son in law of a B dock boater. haha. i just had a great time. the weather was perfect ... warm days with cool breezes and chilly nites. the sunsets were breathtaking. if my family wasnt down with me, i could stay there forever. ive gotten free reign for inviting people down next week, so if anyones free for a day, gimme a call, lemme know. my parents are constantly buggin me on why no one ever comes over... i leave open invites, but no one ever wants to get together. its not my fault that i cant get anyone to like me. but whatever, cant do anything about it now.

we went boat shopping today...hoping to find a fly bridge aft cabin on trade. we found an amazing one today that might be one. 34 foot aft cabin flybridge ...its perfect! if the numbers work.... we may be livin in a big ol' boat! i'd love to drive that thing!

im eatin a poptart... strawberry. good stuff. i have bre's party tomorrow. she's attempting to hook me up with this guy... ugh... its scary to see who sumone who knows u so well will set you up with. she's realli preoccupied when her rbr friends are there, so im aniticipating being left alone, and i speak from experience, not just insanity. then i have kim's party sat. its been proven that i got un-tan. and my sister bought me sum bright orange dishware. haha. thats great stuff. orange crack stuff. and my mom bought me a great little orange washcloth. heheh. wonderful. ritas ice has mango ( which tastes like the original orange crack ! ...onli in the completely frozen form )

i missed talking to my friends soooo much these past coupla days...i went into withdrawal, one could say. i kept my cell phone charged and on all weekend, in case, someone got the sudden whim/ impulse to call.... cuz i wasnt gonna call to initiate another freaking conversation. but i missed everyone. and now that im back, for two days.... i have enough time to party and then to do laundry and we're leavin for another week... but like i said, im allowed to invite anyone... so lemme know if anyones free!! id love to have sum normal people down to enjoy my favourite spot.

"run and tell the angels that everythings alrite"

"Letters To You"

Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one
Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I'm writing again these letters to you on much I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart
No more looking i've found (him)her
I'm gone away...

--finch

2002-08-03T12:24:00.000-04:00

"Broken"

Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you

‘Cause I’m broken
I know I need you now
‘Cause deep inside I'm broken
You see the way I live
I know I know your heart is broken
When I turn away
I need to be broken
Take the pain away

I question why you chose to die
When you knew your truth I would deny
You look at me
The tears begin to fall
And all in all faith is blind
But I fail time after time
Daily in my sin I take your life

All the hate deep inside
Slowly covering my eyes
All these things I hide
Away from you again
All this fear holding me
My heart is cold and I believe
Nothing’s gonna change
Until I'm broken

12 stones

so yeh. i was at work last nite and serving a table and BAM, the power goes out. haha, it was great. work was fun last nite. got to prep, prod, and waitress. i onli waited four table, but i made 25 bucks in tips. so thats always good. i gotta get home in the torrential downpours and we dont have power either. i lit up the bajillion candles in my room, went to bed as 12 stones played low. it was pretti funny. the power didnt come back on til this morning. but it didnt bother me. since other blogs are speaking of dreams, i had a whopper of one last nite. i cant remember how it started, but it ended with me, my family, and sum strange boys, cruisin on one of those big ass yachts, ya kno, the 45 flybridge type boats. anyways, we go down the aft hull, and all of a sudden, they are sharks and whales. we get to pet the whales and a shark almost eats a biplane. im confused as to why any of that happened. then all of a sudden, a skiff pulled along side us, and these dark-suited mob guys get out and board our boat. they climb up to the flybridge ( guns in tow ) and the big mob boss sits down and starts threatening. so i take his gun and try to shoot but the safety catch is jammed. so i throw that over as his thug toss the boss his gun and get it and i shot him. this is while everyone else is just sittin at the helm chillin. like no one else could see them or me. it was weird. im not sure what happened after that tho. it was odd. like, the scene cut straight to the strange boys that we saw on the boat in the beginning of the dream. one kissed me and then it was just me and him on the flybridge, as the sun set off the horizon. weird ass dream. but i woke up right after that. im like wide awake rite now and have been since i woke up. im writing to pass the time since we were supposed to drive down to the boat late last nite after i got off work. but with the power out, we stayed. i feel bad cuz paul invited me to come over for a cookout but we're taking off soon. this was alotta babble i guess.

we're all packed so we're gonna get goin. if anyone gets a free minute, gimme a call on my cell a few of you have it i know jackie and joe do... so... i see everyone in two weeks.

2002-08-01T23:38:00.001-04:00

as the silence fades away
i gather strength for another day
another day i have to go through
another day here, without you

but these words, they keep me sane
until the moment you return
where i let go of all the pian
free of anger and concern

l'ame immortelle another day

2002-08-01T23:38:00.000-04:00

2002-08-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

ive been feeling pretti good about myself lately, but despite that, ive been feeling pretty lonely lately. i wanna reach out to someone but i dont know where to find that someone i guess. breanne's talk about all her friends and hows shes now ms social butterfly and jackie goin out all time. i try to get together with people but i really feel alone. i know im not that bad of a person, so i dont understand why someone wouldnt wanna hang with me... its disheartening. pure blind self assurance doesnt stretch that far. i believe in myself, but when theres no one else to help strengthen that belief... it starts to fade. i know im somewhat kickass... someone once said my unique personality is an amazing asset. too bad no one else seems to think so...they arent exactly people waiting on lines to chill with me... fuck that, i dont even get a phone call anymore. maybe i need more jelly bellys. ill be alrite. i know im worth it now. other people just still need to get that memo. cuz no one has a freakin clue about me.... not one wants to know.... but im surviving. im better than i sound.. im just in a slump.

sweet dreams all

2002-08-01T21:09:00.000-04:00

Hey peoples... just lettin everyone know that i got a new screen name but that im keepin pagey tho.... my new tag's ThePetitePeanut.

Im gettin stircrazy at home lately. Im not workin tom. til five so if anyones free anytime before then, lemme know... cuz ima be goin down to the shore for two weeks... leavin late friday nite....so let me know if anyone wants to do anything... gimme a call...

Luv Peace N' Chicken Grease

2002-07-31T22:15:00.000-04:00

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

--lyrics - bryan adams

a new found glory punk cover

well ive done nothing but be silly and mainline sugar for the past twentyfour hours. its insane. and ive had a ball. hell, i was on such a sugar high after jack and michelle left that i didnt even care that travis threw me into the pool. i continued by chasing him down, while i was dripping wet and wrestling him to the ground and makin sure i got him all wet. it was funny as hell. come to think of it, i dont think he minded me wrestling with him... which is kinda scary, but hey.. neanderthals and females gorillas... hes got some brownie points left. i had soo much fun yesterday. and bre stayed over. we had the 10 lbs of jelly bellys and donuts and ice cream and soda and baby bottle pops. i got enough sucre in me to run a small town.

as ive been telling everyone, with much regret and disappointment in my heart, Reanimation ( i previewed on MTV2 ) sucks big monkey balls. thanks to helen for that one. but its awful and the videos are the most disturbing things ive ever seen. ive told everyone that i need a new fave band. 12 stones is at the top rite now. breanne's shared sum punk...joes gonna let me in on some STP.... and ive searching too... but ugh...reanimation killed amazing songs and just ARGH!

and breanne and i have the monumental ? for the male species.... " Why Do You Make Us Mush? " you mess with our heads and make us fall soo hard for all of you and ugh. it sucks. but hey, its all good tho. treasure what you got...im actually happy.

i cant think straight anymore...soo.... ima let myself recharge a lil bit....

much luv!